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![Approve this one, will ya | Imma sleep my eyes are dying; Narrator: Ahoy, kids. It's time for SpongeBob's You Wish Spectacular Special!Pirates: Hooray!Narrator: And now the host of You Wish. He's got puffier pantaloons than Captain Kidd, and fuzzier facial hair than Blackbeard. He's America's favorite Pirate, Patchy of Encino!Patchy: [opens the door] Ahoy, fellow fanatics! Welcome to me quarters. Why don't come on back on the galley, I'm cooking up a little treat for you today. [walks inside, and to the kitchen] It's call-in-and-vote time. You get to choose how our cartoon ends today, via the phone, or the Internet if you're technologically inclined. Now this cartoon is different from most cartoons in that-Potty: Bawk! In what way?Patchy: Well, if it isn't my less-than-amusing sidekick, Potty the Parrot. Potty, say hello to the nice people.Potty: Help! I'm being held here against my will. Help!Patchy: Argh... [Potty flies away] Oh, Potty come back! Potty? Potty? Where'd you go? [enters something] Potty? You in there, buddy? Potty? Potty?[Then the screen reveals that Patchy is in a cannon that is pointing outside the window]Potty: [laughing and squawking] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.Patchy: Get me out of here, you scurvy bird! [The cannon blasts Patchy out and Patchy screams; he lands in a neighboring house which sinks like a boat. Patchy returns, still smoking from the cannon blast] Now, what was I saying? [walks to his desk with so many phones and sits down] Now, this cartoon ain't like most of your "land-lubbing cartoons". This cartoon has not one, not two, but three different endings! So, when I tell you to, call the number that's scrolling down there at the bottom of the screen: 1 (800) 624-4094 or go to Nick.com. ["1 (800) 624-4094" appears on the bottom of the screen (in the First 100 Episodes and Paramount+ versions, it says "Yikes matey! Original 800 number as aired has been retired to Davy Jones locker!" instead). Phone starts ringing. Patchy picks up phone] No, not now! Don't call till I tell you to! Roll the cartoon! Now, remember to vote at the end because- [More phones start to ring] You're not gonna make this easy, are ya? Quiet! I'm not there! Belate that ringing! Stop! It's driving me mad![episode starts]SpongeBob: [yawns] Mmm, Kelp-O! With one of eight essential prizes inside! [checks in the cereal box but then a giant anchor comes crashing through SpongeBob's house] Holy shrimp! [runs out to Squidward] Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! [Squidward pokes his head through his window] Squidward! The sky had a baby!Squidward: [looks at the anchor] That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! [Patrick comes over]Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?Patrick: How about...Squidward: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope? I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! [the anchor crashes into Squidward's house] Now look what you've done!SpongeBob: We didn't do it, Squidward. Our hands are clean! [he and Patrick show their spotless hands]Patrick: Clean...Squidward: [on top of his house] Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.SpongeBob: Wouldn't that be the top? [Squidward looks at SpongeBob and he narrows his eyelids. Squidward starts to climb the rope]SpongeBob: Squid, wait! Wait!Patrick: Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick also start climbing the rope]Narrator: A few inches later...SpongeBob: [points up] Ship!Patrick: SpongeBob, how long are you gonna stay in your little fantasy world?SpongeBob: No, look, a giant ship! [A giant green ship is seen. Patrick is shocked to see he was wrong while Squidward is not fazed.]Squidward: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That ship has a spooky green glow around it.Squidward: That's probably because its good-for-nothing owner is too lazy to clean or drop its anchors in the right place.SpongeBob: Squid, wait! [all three reach the top]Squidward: All right, who owns this crate? [notices a door that says "owner" and begins to knock on it] Come on out! I wanna file a complaint! [SpongeBob looks around the ship]SpongeBob: Doesn't this place seem familiar?Patrick: I don't know. Why?SpongeBob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell? [Squidward rings the doorbell]Patrick: Yes!SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat but I just can't place the name. [walks by a barrel that says "property of the Flying Dutchman"]Flying Dutchman: Rawr!SpongeBob: No, no, it's not "rawr!"Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!SpongeBob: That's it! [stupidly] Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!Flying Dutchman: Who be disturbin' the Flying Dutchman's own lair?SpongeBob: [oblivious] It's Squidward. He wants to complain to you. [the Flying Dutchman gives an evil look to Squidward as he waits for answer]Squidward: [nervously] I... no, I don't.SpongeBob: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all? [the Flying Dutchman glares angrily at Squidward]Squidward: [laughs nervously] I never said that.Flying Dutchman: Insultin' a man's ship be worse than insultin' his mother!SpongeBob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship. [the Flying Dutchman shoots fire out his nose frying up Squidward]Squidward: [screams] Ow.Flying Dutchman: [looks over to SpongeBob and Patrick] You're next!SpongeBob and Patrick: [jumps off the ship] That was a close one! [land back on the ship]Flying Dutchman: Welcome back!SpongeBob: [he and Patrick scream and jump off the ship] That was a closer one! [land back on the ship]Flying Dutchman: Welcome back! [SpongeBob and Patrick jump off the ship]Squidward: Hey! How come when they act up, all they get is the welcome wagon? If you ask me, it's... [the Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward while SpongeBob and Patrick land back on the ship]Flying Dutchman: So, are you gonna try that again?Patrick: Probably. [the Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]Flying Dutchman: How 'bout now?Patrick: Uhh...Squidward: [covers Patrick's mouth with his tentacle] No, no, they're not. Whew. [the Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]Flying Dutchman: Now listen. [takes out a "Ghost Rule Book"] Whosoever sets foot on the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, shall become members of his ghostly crew forever! [closes his rule book] And, uhh [opens his rule book], ever. [closes his rule book again]Squidward: Will we be getting business cards?Flying Dutchman: [zaps Squidward] Silence! You're part of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be grueling, mind-numbing, and repetitive. Just like... daytime television.Squidward: Now you listen here, mister. If you think I'm gonna spend more than five minutes on this dumpster, then you're crazy. I mean, look at this place. It's disgusting! [holds up a green jockstrap] Whoever told you that having oil lamps next to hardwood paneling was a good idea... [the Flying Dutchman picks up Squidward] Oh, oh, now what? I suppose you're gonna show me... [the Flying Dutchman unzips something in mid-air] Oh, gee, that's very nice. What is this, some kind of magic act? [the Flying Dutchman tosses Squidward into the Fly of Despair. Squidward screams as he falls inside the Fly of Despair. SpongeBob and Patrick watch Squidward disappear from sight with a clearly worried expression.]Flying Dutchman: [closes the Fly of Despair] Would anyone else like to enter the "Fly of Despair"?SpongeBob: [terrified] No! We know our place now, Mr. Dutchman.Patrick: [terrified as well] We'll do anything you say!Flying Dutchman: Then, for starters, you can... swab the deck! [hands them a mop and a bucket]SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! A real, live, ghost mop!Patrick: And I got this hat!Flying Dutchman: Listen! We're heading down to Bikini Bottom tonight for a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good and scary!SpongeBob: You mean you want it to look good... and scary. Well, I think we can probably...Patrick: No, no, I think he means he wants it to look so good that it's scary.SpongeBob: Or maybe that by looking so scary you forget that it doesn't look good!Patrick: I don't get it.SpongeBob: Look, it's easy, it simply means that...Flying Dutchman: Never mind what it means! I just want it to look scary! That's it! You know, mold growing on the ceilings and bugs in the sink.SpongeBob: So, you don't want it to look good?Flying Dutchman: Get moving! [SpongeBob and Patrick are scared and start mopping]SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing, while sweeping with the mop and bucket] A sailor's life is a wonderful life / A wonderful life for sure!Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! [howls like a wolf]SpongeBob: [bleats like a sheep]Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!Flying Dutchman: [howls like a wolf]SpongeBob: [bleats like a sheep]Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! [the Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle- eedle-eedle! [the Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle! [the Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle![very long and awkward silence]Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do. Okay, Square One, since Pink One's working the navigation, it's up to you to find our first victim. Here, use this spyglass. Now hurry up! We're burnin' moonlight!SpongeBob: Let's see who we can find. [spins a telescope on ground] Captain, there's a guy we can scare. [The telescope points to a big tough guy. The Flying Dutchman stares wide eyed, then nervously blows on the telescope, spinning it slightly to land on a little kid]Billy: [sing-song voice] I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three!Flying Dutchman: Ahh, it does me heart good to see children out after dark. Pink One, take us behind those rocks.Patrick: Moving behind the rocks! [the ship moves scratches and tears up through the rocky parts of the sea]SpongeBob: Keep going. You're good. You're good. You're good... and... stop. Don't worry, Cap'n, we'll buff out those scratches.Flying Dutchman: All right, never mind it. Just jump out when I give the signal. [the Flying Dutchman scares Billy from behind a rock]Flying Dutchman: Boo! Prepare to be burdened with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [points to SpongeBob and Patrick who just get confuse]SpongeBob: Was that the signal? Okay, sorry, sorry, just... just do it again.Flying Dutchman: With the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [SpongeBob and Patrick come out and SpongeBob does a little trick with his fingers]Patrick: How does he do that?Flying Dutchman: Get back on the ship.SpongeBob and Patrick: It's still a mystery!Billy: Those guys are dorks.Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks. [goes back to showing SpongeBob and Patrick steering through the rocks tearing up the ship; the Flying Dutchman has an annoyed facial expression]SpongeBob: You're good. You're good. You're good. [the Flying Dutchman scares a woman by showing flames in his mouth but is interrupted when SpongeBob blows bubbles and Patrick shakes a gray board. Later the ship is still getting wrecked as they move through the rocks; The Flying Dutchman has the same annoyed facial expression] You're good. You're good. You're good. [the Flying Dutchman goes through the wall to scare Larry but SpongeBob and Patrick simply slam on the wall as they unsuccessfully attempt to scare Larry. Later the ship is still getting wrecked as they move through the rocks; The Flying Dutchman has the same annoyed facial expression] You're good. You're good. You're good. [the Flying Dutchman scares Frank by rotating his head while SpongeBob and Patrick skate in purple tights. back on the ship] Why do you think the Dutchman asked us to wait in our bunk room?Patrick: Maybe he's gonna give us a reward!SpongeBob: Like movie passes?Patrick: Or an oversized coffee mug?! [both start bouncing insanely]Flying Dutchman: I've been thinking. Stop bouncing! [both stop] This whole crew for eternity thing isn't working out. It's not really you so much as it is me.SpongeBob: You're setting us free?Flying Dutchman: Well, actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! [closes the door. SpongeBob and Patrick scream]Patrick: Wait, I have an idea!SpongeBob: Really?! What is it?Patrick: Let's leave!SpongeBob: But the door is locked and the only way out is through the... perfume department. [points to a live-action room full of perfume and customers]Patrick: Let's do it. [they try to run through the department but get sprayed with all sorts of perfume. Someone even goes as far as removing Patrick's gas mask and spraying him in the face with perfume. They exit the department]SpongeBob: [panting] I always hate going in there!Patrick: Yeah.SpongeBob: [hears something strange] Wait! Listen! [the Flying Dutchman is in his room]Flying Dutchman: Dear Diary: I told them I'm going to eat them tomorrow. I made up some of that brown sauce my cousin showed me just for the occasion. Ahh, it's a good thing I found my dining sock again. Remember the last time I lost me dining sock, I couldn't eat for a whole week. Yes, sir, sometimes I wonder how I'd survive if anything should ever happen... [notices his sock is gone and sees SpongeBob and Patrick peeping on him before escaping]Flying Dutchman: [On the ship, SpongeBob and Patrick are running but the Flying Dutchman pops out in front of SpongeBob and Patrick] Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!SpongeBob: Never!Flying Dutchman: Okay, then... [tries to zap SpongeBob but SpongeBob holds up the sock as protection] Give it to me!SpongeBob: No! [the sock begins to tear]Flying Dutchman: [panicking] Wait, you're stretching out the elastic!Patrick: It would seem we have reached an impasse.Flying Dutchman: Pink one is right. Tell you what. You give me back the sock, and I'll give you... three wishes.Patrick: Make it five.Flying Dutchman: Four.Patrick: Three. Take it or leave it.Flying Dutchman: Okay... uhh, three. You get three wishes.SpongeBob: Wow! Three wishes, Pat. Isn't that great?Patrick: Wishes? I wish we had known that earlier! [the clock goes backwards one minute]Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left. [Patrick smiles with embarrassment at an angry SpongeBob]SpongeBob: [taps Patrick on the shoulder] Well, we still have two more. How exciting! I wish Squidward were here to see this! [Squidward is screaming as he still falls through the Fly Of Despair and crashes onto his bed]Squidward: [relieved] Boy, I'm glad all that's over! [disappears and reappears on the ship.]SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! You're back! [Squidward looks around shocked.]SpongeBob: Guess what? The Dutchman gave us three wishes! Patrick used the first one, and I guess I... [realizing] just used the second one.Squidward: Well, then, the last one you owe me because you got me back into this mess!Patrick: [protesting] Wait! I think it belongs to me! [everyone starts to argue] Because I didn't really get a real wish, so why should you get a wish...SpongeBob: [angrily] Well, that's not right because... [their arguing devolves into incoherent yelling, babbling, and shouting]Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the eeny-meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and...Voting Guy: All hands! All hands! Time to vote! It's voting time!Patchy: Well, that's our cartoon so far. Now its time for you to decide how it ends! Who will get the last wish? Will it be Sassy Squidward, Porky Patrick, or Good Ol' SpongeBob? Just dial the number below: 1 (800) 624-4094 or go to Nick.com and tell us who you be choosing. ["1 (800) 624-4094" appears on the bottom of the screen (again, in The First 100 Episodes and The Best 200 Episodes Ever versions, it has been changed to "Yikes matey! Original 800 number as aired has been retired to Davy Jones locker!")] My trusty crew is eagerly awaiting your call. [Potty is shown sleeping against phones and a quote bubble with "Z" slides in] So, hoist your anchor of that couch, and make with the voting! This is your big chance, and we'll be right back to announce... the winner! [Commercial break (in the original version, this happens)] That's it, kids! Keep calling! It's almost time! Get those votes in! A-ha-ha! Whoo! Democracy! A-ha-ha! Whoo! This is Patchy. Please hold. Potty's not here. Well, not yet. A-ha-ha-ha! [after commercial break] Ahoy children, I'm back! I hope all you boys and girls got your votes in, because it's time for you to walk the plank! [Screen reads: PLEASE STAND BY] Oh, sorry, kids. What I meant to say because it's time to announce the winner! [blows horn] But first, let's look at the endings you didn't choose. According to our high tech counter-ology, you didn't choose... Patrick. [An image of Patrick is shown, with a skull in front of him.] But, let's see what Patrick would've wished for if you picked him. OK! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the- oh god!Flying Dutchman: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] My mother told me to pick the very best one and you are it! [stops on Patrick.]SpongeBob: That's you, Patrick. Make your wish.Patrick: Um...Squidward: Wait, Patrick, listen. I do not particularly feel like being trapped here for all eternity. Eternity is a very long time... [demonstrates the length of eternity as if it were a piece of string. Patrick's eyes look at each end] Understand?!SpongeBob: Patrick, you've got to think harder than you've ever thought before.Patrick: Uhh...SpongeBob: That's not gonna do it! Think harder!Patrick: Uhh...Squidward and SpongeBob: [overlapping] Come on! You can do it! Come on, Patrick! Yeah! Think really hard! Put on your thinking cap!Patrick: Uhh... [inside Patrick's eye is a toaster that brings up some toast.] Okay! I've got it.Flying Dutchman: Thy wish is granted.Patrick: [chewing on gum.] Oh, I'm sorry. Want some gum? [SpongeBob and Squidward are shocked.]Squidward: You wished for gum?Patrick: Well, if we're gonna be here forever, we might as well have fresh breath![Each take a piece of gum. Later, we see the Flying Dutchman with a big belly while everyone is begging for out.]Flying Dutchman: Ahh, minty.Patchy: Heh heh heh. That Patrick shivers me timbers right down to my peg leg! Ha ha ha! You were right not to pick that one kids! Seemed like a lot of nonsense to me! Malarkey! Oh well, let's take a look at the other loser! Heh heh heh! [An image of Squidward is shown, with a skull in front of him.] It appears you didn't vote for Squidward! I don't blame you, I wouldn't have either. But, let's see what would happen if the Old Dutchman's Meeny-Miney-Mo finger landed on Squidward!Flying Dutchman: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on Squidward]SpongeBob: Squidward, you get a wish! A great big wish!Squidward: That's right! And you know what I wish?Patrick: No!Squidward: I wish that I had never met you two barnacle-heads before in my entire life!Flying Dutchman: So be it.SpongeBob: Hi there, I don't believe we've met. My name is SpongeBob, and this is my associate Patrick.Patrick: Hi.Squidward: That's not what I meant!Flying Dutchman: Well, now that introductions are out of the way, it's time for dinner. [the Flying Dutchman appears with a big belly]SpongeBob: And what did you say your name was?Squidward: I'm Squidward. I'm your neighbor.SpongeBob: Oh, nice to meet you, Squid-ward. [tries to pronounce it right] We'll have plenty of time to get to know each other, I guess. [laughs]Patchy: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, So get ready to blow milk out of your nose because it's time to announce... the winner! The envelope please, Potty. Thank you, my fine feathered assistant. Well, what do you know? The winner is... SpongeBob! [A flag is shown with SpongeBob with the words "Winner" on the left side, Patchy sniffs the air] Hey, Potty, do you smell something? Oh, Potty! That fuse in your head! I told you we're not doing that stunt!Potty: Brawk, I didn't get the memo! Brawk! [blows up along with Patchy, who coughs up a feather and recovers from the blast]Patchy: And now, the most requested ending! Hooray! [Potty collapses to the floor]Flying Dutchman: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on SpongeBob]Squidward: Now, think, SpongeBob! We're about to get eaten. What can you wish for to make it so we don't get eaten?SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I've got it all figured out. He won't be able to eat us because... I wish the Dutchman was a vegetarian! [The Flying Dutchman turns into a vegetarian and SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward reappear in front of SpongeBob's house but you can only see their heads]SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Hooray!SpongeBob: We're home!Patrick: You did it, SpongeBob. We're safe!Squidward: But why have we been turned into fruits? [their bodies have been turned into fruits and they are in a blender]Flying Dutchman: Hey, I get a wish, too. Fruit prevents scurvy! [SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward bounce away in the blender] Hey, get back here with that! [chases them around the ship, which is now a hippie-themed Volkswagen with a main mast.]Patchy: [sitting at the couch crying] Hold on! Sorry about that, kids! It’s just that old Patchy can't help but get all choked up at the end of a show. But the good news is, when you watch this cartoon land-lubbing style like you usually do, it'll have the ending you picked, so now you're an official big time cartoon decision maker! [cuts to a bunch of monkeys at a zoo] Just don't let it go to your head! Well, say good night to the folks, Potty! Potty!Potty: Squawk! I quit! I quit!Patchy: [growls] Well, that's it folks. Right now, I've got a little "employee management" to take care of. Oh, Potty! Potty, get in your nice cage!Potty: Brawk! I don't think so!Narrator: [while they argue] And so, we conclude SpongeBob's You Wish Spectacular Special. Thanks for voting.Patchy: Ow!Version #2 (Reruns/VHS and DVD Versions/Paramount+ Versions)Narrator: And now, it's time for Patchy's Pick. Hosted by: SpongeBob's number one fan, Patchy the Pirate.Patchy: [opens the door] Ahoy, fellow fanatics! Welcome to Patchy's Pick. Why don't come on back on the galley, I got a little treat for you today. [walks to a red curtain and shows a large cue card with the title "Shanghaied" on it] We're gonna see me favorite show, "Shanghaied"! Ta-da!Potty: Boring!Patchy: Well, if it isn't my less-than-amusing sidekick, Potty the Parrot. Potty, say hello to the nice people.Potty: Bawk! I'm being held here against my will-- Help!Patchy: Argh... [Potty flies away] Oh, Potty come back! Potty? Potty? Where'd you go? [enters something] Potty? You in there, buddy? Potty? Potty?[Then the screen reveals that Patchy is in a cannon that is pointing outside the window]Potty: [laughing and squawking] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.Patchy: Get me out of here, you scurvy bird! [the cannon blasts him out and he screams, then lands in a neighboring house which sinks like a boat. Then he returns, still smoking from the cannon blast] Well, roll the cartoon. [screen fades to black, episode starts]SpongeBob: [yawns] Mmm, Kelp-O! With one of eight essential prizes inside! [checks in the cereal box but then a giant anchor comes crashing through SpongeBob's house] Holy shrimp! [runs out to Squidward] Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! [Squidward pokes his head through his window] Squidward! The sky had a baby!Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! [Patrick comes over]Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?Patrick: How about...Squidward: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope? I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! [the anchor crashes into Squidward's house] Now look what you've done!SpongeBob: We didn't do it, Squidward. Our hands are clean! [he and Patrick show their spotless hands]Patrick: Clean...Squidward: [on top of his house] Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.SpongeBob: Wouldn't that be the top? [Squidward looks at SpongeBob and he narrows his eyelids. Squidward starts to climb the rope]SpongeBob: Squid, wait! Wait!Patrick: Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick also start climbing the rope]Narrator: A few inches later...SpongeBob: [points up] Ship!Patrick: SpongeBob, how long are you gonna stay in your little fantasy world?SpongeBob: No, look, a giant ship!Squidward: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That ship has a spooky green glow around it.Squidward: That's probably because its good-for-nothing owner is too lazy to clean or drop its anchors in the right place.SpongeBob: Squid, wait! [all three reach the top]Squidward: All right, who owns this crate? [notices a door that says "owner" and begins to knock on it] Come on out! I wanna file a complaint! [SpongeBob looks around the ship]SpongeBob: Doesn't this place seem familiar?Patrick: I don't know. Why?SpongeBob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell? [Squidward rings the doorbell]Patrick: Yes!SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat but I just can't place the name. [walks by a barrel that says "property of the Flying Dutchman"]Flying Dutchman: Rawr!SpongeBob: No, no, it's not "rawr!"Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!SpongeBob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!Flying Dutchman: Who be disturbin' the Flying Dutchman's own lair?SpongeBob: It's Squidward. He wants to complain to you. [the Flying Dutchman gives an evil look to Squidward]Squidward: I...no, I don't.SpongeBob: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all? [the Flying Dutchman glares angrily at Squidward]Squidward: [laughs nervously] I never said that.Flying Dutchman: Insultin' a man's ship be worse than insultin' his mother!SpongeBob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship. [the Flying Dutchman shoots fire out his nose frying up Squidward]Squidward: [screams] Ow.Flying Dutchman: [looks over to SpongeBob and Patrick] You're next!SpongeBob and Patrick: [jump off the ship] That was a close one! [land back on the ship]Flying Dutchman: Welcome back!SpongeBob: [he and Patrick scream and jump off the ship] That was a closer one! [land back on the ship]Flying Dutchman: Welcome back! [SpongeBob and Patrick jump off the ship]Squidward: Hey! How come when they act up, all they get is the welcome wagon? If you ask me, it's... [the Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward while SpongeBob and Patrick land back on the ship]Flying Dutchman: So, are you gonna try that again?Patrick: Probably. [the Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]Flying Dutchman: How 'bout now?Patrick: Uhh...Squidward: [covers Patrick's mouth with his tentacle] No, no, they're not. Whew. [the Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]Flying Dutchman: Now listen. [takes out a "Ghost Rule Book"] Whosoever sets foot on the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, shall become members of his ghostly crew forever! [closes the rule book] And, uhh [opens the rule book], ever. [closes the rule book again]Squidward: Will we be getting business cards?Flying Dutchman: [zaps Squidward] Silence! You're part of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be grueling, mind-numbing, and repetitive. Just like... daytime television.Squidward: Now you listen here, mister. If you think I'm gonna spend more than five minutes on this dumpster, then you're crazy. I mean, look at this place. It's disgusting! [shows a green jockstrap] Whoever told you that having oil lamps next to hardwood paneling was a good idea... [the Flying Dutchman picks up Squidward] Oh, oh, now what? I suppose you're gonna show me... [the Flying Dutchman unzips something in mid-air] Oh, gee, that's very nice. What is this, some kind of magic act? [the Flying Dutchman tosses Squidward into the Fly of Despair. Squidward screams as he falls inside the Fly of Despair. SpongeBob and Patrick look at Squidward in blank worried faces.]Flying Dutchman: [closes the Fly of Despair] Would anyone else like to enter the "Fly of Despair"?SpongeBob: No! We know our place now, Mr. Dutchman.Patrick: We'll do anything you say!Flying Dutchman: Then, for starters, you can...swab the deck! [hands them a mop and a bucket]SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! A real, live, ghost mop!Patrick: And I got this hat!Flying Dutchman: Listen! We're heading down to Bikini Bottom tonight for a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good and scary!SpongeBob: You mean you want it to look good...and scary. Well, I think we can probably...Patrick: No, no, I think he means he wants it to look so good that it's scary.SpongeBob: Or maybe that by looking so scary you forget that it doesn't look good!Patrick: I don't get it.SpongeBob: Look, it's easy, it simply means that...Flying Dutchman: Never mind what it means! I just want it to look scary! That's it! You know, mold growing on the ceilings and bugs in the sink.SpongeBob: So, you don't want it to look good?Flying Dutchman: Get moving! [SpongeBob and Patrick start mopping]SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing, while sweeping with the mop and bucket] A sailor's life is a wonderful life / A wonderful life for sure!Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! [howls like a wolf]SpongeBob: [screams]Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!Flying Dutchman: [howls like a wolf]SpongeBob: [screams]Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! [the Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle- eedle-eedle! [the Flying Dutchman going to howl again, but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle! [the Flying Dutchman going to howl again, but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle![very long and awkward silence]Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do. Okay, Square One, since Pink One's working the navigation, it's up to you to find our first victim. Here, use this spyglass. Now hurry up! We're burnin' moonlight!SpongeBob: Let's see who we can find. [spins a telescope on ground] Captain, there's a guy we can scare. [the telescope points to a big tough guy. Then, the Flying Dutchman blows on the telescope spinning it slightly to land on a little kid]Billy: [sing-song voice] I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three!Flying Dutchman: Ahh, it does me heart good to see children out after dark. Pink One, take us behind those rocks.Patrick: Moving behind the rocks! [the ship moves scratches and tears up through the rocky parts of the sea]SpongeBob: Keep going. You're good. You're good. You're good...and...stop. Don't worry, Cap'n, we'll buff out those scratches.Flying Dutchman: All right, never mind it. Just jump out when I give the signal. [scares Billy from behind a rock]Flying Dutchman: Boo! Prepare to be burdened with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [points to SpongeBob and Patrick who just get confused]SpongeBob: Was that the signal? Okay, sorry, sorry, just...just do it again.Flying Dutchman: With the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [SpongeBob and Patrick come out and SpongeBob does a little trick with his fingers]Patrick: How does he do that?Flying Dutchman: Get back on the ship.SpongeBob and Patrick: It's still a mystery!Billy: Those guys are dorks.Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks. [goes back to showing SpongeBob and Patrick steering through the rocks tearing up the ship; now he has an annoyed facial expression]SpongeBob: You're good. You're good. You're good. [the Flying Dutchman scares a woman by showing flames in his mouth but is interrupted when SpongeBob blows bubbles and Patrick shakes a gray board. Later the ship is still getting wrecked as they move through the rocks; The Flying Dutchman has the same annoyed facial expression] You're good. You're good. You're good. [the Flying Dutchman goes through the wall to scare Larry but SpongeBob and Patrick simply slam on the wall as they unsuccessfully attempt to scare Larry. Later, the ship is still getting wrecked as they move through the rocks; The Flying Dutchman has the same annoyed facial expression] You're good. You're good. You're good. [the Flying Dutchman scares Frank by rotating his head while SpongeBob and Patrick skate in purple tights. Back on the ship] Why do you think the Dutchman asked us to wait in our bunk room?Patrick: Maybe he's gonna give us a reward!SpongeBob: Like movie passes?Patrick: Or an oversized coffee mug?! [both start bouncing insanely]Flying Dutchman: I've been thinking. Stop bouncing! [both stop] This whole crew for eternity thing isn't working out. It's not really you so much as it is me.SpongeBob: You're setting us free?Flying Dutchman: Well, actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! [closes the door. SpongeBob and Patrick scream]Patrick: Wait, I have an idea!SpongeBob: Really?! What is it?Patrick: Let's leave!SpongeBob: But the door is locked and the only way out is through the... perfume department! [points to a live-action room full of perfume and customers]Patrick: Let's do it. [they try to run through the department but get sprayed with all sorts of perfume. Someone even goes as far as removing Patrick's gas mask and spraying him in the face with perfume. They exit the department]SpongeBob: [panting] I always hate going in there!Patrick: Yeah.SpongeBob: [hears something strange] Wait! Listen! [the Flying Dutchman is in his room]Flying Dutchman: Dear Diary: I told them I'm going to eat them tomorrow. I made up some of that brown sauce my cousin showed me just for the occasion. Ahh, it's a good thing I found my dining sock again. Remember the last time I lost me dining sock, I couldn't eat for a whole week. Yes, sir, sometimes I wonder how I'd survive if anything should ever happen... [notices his sock is gone and pops out in front of SpongeBob and Patrick] Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!SpongeBob: Never!Flying Dutchman: Okay, then... [tries to zap SpongeBob, but SpongeBob holds up the sock as protection] Give it to me!SpongeBob: No! [the sock begins to tear]Flying Dutchman: Wait, you're stretching out the elastic!Patrick: It would seem we have reached an impasse.Flying Dutchman: Pink one is right. Tell you what. You give me back the sock, and I'll give you...three wishes.Patrick: Make it five.Flying Dutchman: Four.Patrick: Three. Take it or leave it.Flying Dutchman: Okay...uhh, three. You get three wishes.SpongeBob: Wow! Three wishes, Pat. Isn't that great?Patrick: Wishes? I wish we had known that earlier! [the clock goes backwards one minute]Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left. [Patrick smiles with embarrassment at an angry SpongeBob]SpongeBob: Well, we still have two more. How exciting! I wish Squidward were here to see this! [falls through a hole in the Fly Of Despair and crashes onto his bed]Squidward: Boy, I'm glad all that's over! [disappears and reappears on the ship]SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! You're back! [Squidward looks around surprised]SpongeBob: Guess what? The Dutchman gave us three wishes! Patrick used the first one, and I guess I... [realizing] just used the second one.Squidward: Well, then, the last one you owe me because you got me back into this mess!Patrick: Wait! I think it belongs to me! [everyone starts to argue] Because I didn't really get a real wish, so why should you get a wish...SpongeBob: Well, that's not right because... [their arguing devolves into incoherent yelling, babbling, and shouting]Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the eeny-meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and... [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on SpongeBob]Squidward: Our fate, SpongeBob! We're about to get eaten. What can you wish for to make it so we don't get eaten?SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I've got it all figured out. He won't be able to eat us because...I wish that the Dutchman was a vegetarian! [the Flying Dutchman turns into a vegetarian and SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward re-appear in front of SpongeBob's house, but you can only see their heads]SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Hooray!SpongeBob: We're home!Patrick: You did it, SpongeBob. We're saved!Squidward: But why have we been turned into fruits? [their bodies have been turned into fruits and they are in a blender]Flying Dutchman: Hey, I get a wish, too. [slices some fruits to the blender] Fruit prevents scurvy! [whistles as SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward scream and bounce away in the blender] Hey, get back here with that! [chases them around the ship, which is now a hippie-themed Volkswagen with a main mast. Patchy reappears]Patchy: Ahoy, children! I'm back! I hope all you boys and girls enjoyed the show because it's time for you to walk the plank! [Screen reads: PLEASE STAND BY] Oh, sorry, kids. What I meant to say because it's time for fan mail! [blows horn]Old-time crowd: Hooray!Patchy: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, so get ready to blow milk out of your nose because we're gonna open a letter! [Potty flies to Patchy with the letter. There is a lit fuse on Potty's head] The envelope please, Potty. Thank you, my fine feathered assistant.Potty: Brawk, you're not welcome.Patchy: [sniffs the air] Hey, Potty, do you smell something? [notices the fuse] Oh, Potty! That fuse in your head! I told you we're not doing that stunt!Potty: Brawk, I didn't get the memo! Brawk! [blows up along with Patchy, who coughs up a feather and recovers from the blast]Patchy: Well, that's it for Patchy's Pick. Hooray! [Potty collapses to the floor and Patchy frowns]
Different endings
There are various endings to "Shanghaied." Differences between each other are the different fates of SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward, depending on who the Flying Dutchman picked. Below are the different endings:
SpongeBob's ending[...]Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the eeny- meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and... [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on SpongeBob]Squidward: Our fate, SpongeBob! We're about to get eaten. What can you wish for to make it so we don't get eaten?SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I've got it all figured out. He won't be able to eat us because...I wish the Dutchman was a vegetarian! [the Flying Dutchman turns into a vegetarian and SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward re-appear in front of SpongeBob's house but you can only see their heads]SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Hooray!SpongeBob: We're home!Patrick: You did it SpongeBob. We're saved!Squidward: But why have we been turned into fruits? [their bodies have been turned into fruits and they are in a blender]Flying Dutchman: Hey, I get a wish, too. Fruit prevents scurvy! [SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward bounce away in the blender] Hey, get back here with that! [chases them around the ship, which is now a hippie-themed Volkswagen with a main mast. Patchy reappears][...]Patrick's ending[...]Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the eeny- meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and... [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on Patrick]SpongeBob: [worried] That's you, Patrick. Make your wish.Patrick: Umm...Squidward: Wait, Patrick. Listen, I do not particularly want to be trapped here for all eternity. Eternity is a very long time... [demonstrates the length of eternity as if it were a piece of string. Patrick's eyes look at each end] Understand?SpongeBob: [rushes in] Patrick, you've got to think harder than you ever thought before.Patrick: Uhh...SpongeBob: That's not going to do it! Think harder!Patrick: [thinks harder] Uhh...Squidward: [simultaneously with SpongeBob] You can do it! Come on! Put on your thinking cap! Come on!SpongeBob: [simultaneously with Squidward] Come on, Patrick! Yes, think, think really hard! [Patrick thinks intensely] Yes, Patrick! You're doing good!Patrick: [his head's toaster ejects bread] Okay! I got it!Flying Dutchman: Thou wish is granted.[Gum appears in Patrick's pocket. Patrick eats some gum.]Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry... Want some gum?[SpongeBob and Squidward are shocked]Squidward: You wished for gum?Patrick: Well, if we're going to be there forever, we might as well have fresh breath![SpongeBob and Squidward take a piece of gum each and chews some gum as well][SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward complain in the Flying Dutchman's belly]Flying Dutchman: Ahh... Minty![...]Squidward's ending[...]Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the eeny- meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and... [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on Squidward]SpongeBob: Squidward! You get to have a wish! A great big wish!Squidward: That's right! And you know what I wish?Patrick: No!Squidward: I wish that I never met you two barnacle-heads before in my entire life!Flying Dutchman: So be it. [magically makes SpongeBob and Patrick not know Squidward]SpongeBob: Hi there. I don't believe we've met. My name is SpongeBob and this is my associate Patrick.Patrick: Hi.Squidward: That's not what I meant!Flying Dutchman: Well, now that introductions are out of the way, it's time for dinner. [grabs out a metal knife and fork]SpongeBob: [in the Flying Dutchman's belly] And what did you say your name was?Squidward: [also in the Flying Dutchman's belly] I'm Squidward. I'm your neighbor.SpongeBob: Oh, nice to meet you, Squid-ward. [tries to pronounce it right] We'll have plenty of time to get to know each other, I guess. [laughs][...]Version #3 (Without Patchy Segments)SpongeBob: [yawns] Mmm, Kelp-O! With one of eight essential prizes inside! [checks in the cereal box but then a giant anchor comes crashing through SpongeBob's house] Holy shrimp! [runs out to Squidward] Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! [Squidward pokes his head through his window] Squidward! The sky had a baby!Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! [Patrick comes over]Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?Patrick: How about...Squidward: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope? I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! [the anchor crashes into Squidward's house] Now look what you've done!SpongeBob: We didn't do it, Squidward. Our hands are clean! [he and Patrick show their spotless hands]Patrick: Clean...Squidward: [on top of his house] Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.SpongeBob: Wouldn't that be the top? [Squidward looks at SpongeBob and he narrows his eyelids. Squidward starts to climb the rope]SpongeBob: Squid, wait! Wait!Patrick: Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick also start climbing the rope]Narrator: A few inches later...SpongeBob: [points up] Ship!Patrick: SpongeBob, how long are you gonna stay in your little fantasy world?SpongeBob: No, look, a giant ship!Squidward: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That ship has a spooky green glow around it.Squidward: That's probably because its g | image tagged in talkingwaffles crap temp 2 0 | made w/ Imgflip meme maker](http://i.imgflip.com/5ir9dx.jpg)
