so after i suddenly gone offline, at around midnight when my parents were asleep that was when i decided to shut down my computer, go to the kitchen, close the door and grab a knife. yeah, this might sound crazy asf, but i actually did that. i stood there staring at the knife for god knows how long (i think around 4 hours) and debating whether to do it or not. since i was so tired, both mentally and physically, and kinda out of my mind i didn't even know what i was doing. i cut myself a few times, but i couldn't do the thing. for a while i sat on the floor and cried, and for another i just ate random things from the fridge (i have no idea what im doing-) i was conscious enough to know that i will make myself suffer in agony if i did it with a short knife, so i was so hesitant on how long the knife should be to make it quick. i was too dizzy to focus on how much noise i made while messing around the kitchen, that was until the door opened and my dad found me with the knife in my hand. i simply froze, dropped the knife, and stared at him in pure shock and shame. he was also so confused, but when he saw the cuts he seemed to understand and immediately pinned me to the wall. i didnt even try to escape cuz i was so dizzy. he called mom, and her almost crying didnt make me feel any better. im okay now, and mom and dad had to sleep with me in the same room to make sure i dont just do anything dumb again. i couldn't sleep ofc, but yeah, im fine. im going to visit a therapist later, and my cuts are healed. sorry for the disturbance and panic
also, i've scrolled through understream for a moment before typing this, and decided to not be kind anymore. i'm going to become strict, and ban anyone that breaks the rules or simply annoys me. i'm not going to go easy anymore.
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