Stuffed bears won't increase your blood sugar or body weight, nor will they give you cavities. So this seems like a suitable alternative.

Who manufactures "Existential Crisis"? Pfizer? AstraZeneca? Merck?

The real Hell is a whole lot worse than this, but I still like this joke.

That kid's facial expression doesn't match what he's saying. He looks too calm to be horrified that the Snuggle Bear lost its leg.

And that's why gentle parenting doesn't work.

imgflip.com/i/afx09n