Changewing/D0ctor_S0mewhere shared template

a few months back, I broke up with my gf who I had known and liked since f**king 4th grade. We were highkey in the worst kind of on and off situation imaginable, but I didn't know any other way
I'd been broken so many times by the one person I thought I could trust not to hurt me, and I kept going back like a f**king idiot.
The last time, it actually seemed real
like I had a shot now
but before anything else, I'd like to note that she struggles with pretty extreme mental health issues, and was pulled from school into homeschool for trying to cut herself with the plastic knives in the cafeteria (which got those removed district wide)
and I have NEVER been exactly a shining example of stability either
but when I tell you that I thought I would actually be able to trust her fr this time, I f**king mean that shit.
So we went on for a few months, which was mostly great honestly
and then out of nowhere, while I'm celebrating father's day by going golfing with my dad and older brother (started POURING rain btw, always does), she decided to let me know that she wanted to end it.
over text.
without any warning or prompt.
this girl I'd been closer than I've ever been with someone just f**king thought her low self esteem was a good reason to f**king cut me off and f**k me up more than I might be able to ever fully fix.
and she still wanted to be friends.
How f**ked up is that.
So I told her to give me time to process shit, because I was still a desperate little bitch, and guess what.
every.
f**king.
day.
this bitch would text me
and I finally got tired of the remainder that I can't f**king go back to that ever again, so I told her I was done for good, blocked her number, and deleted her contact info.
Bitch tried contacting me through my MOTHER
who did NOT need this extra stress on her
the audacity of this bitch istfg...
but that's not even why I'm doing all this rn, that's just some backstory/context.
here's the real reason I'm genuinely f**ked up in the head rn

my dumbass really based SO MUCH of my core interests, hobbies, and personality around her, that when she f**king left, I was stuck with a fake self with thoughts that weren't my own controlling my life.
I'd been developing myself from grades 4 to 9 with her in mind.
five years of mental development WASTED because my dumbass thought I had something
and that time also caused a lot of people to decide to make me their verbal punching bag (or yk, whoever shot a load onto my lunchbox in PE that one time) cont.

and f**k with my stuff constantly
I literally had trapped myself in a personal hell of my own making for her, and all because I wasn't able to see anything real about her past the good aspects
I tried to fit into the "therapist friend" role she low-key forced me into, and that's stuck with me now. I can't change it.
I'm a f**king furry bc of her. I'm f**king BI because of her.
and what have I done with all this not me bullshit left over from these past five years?
bottled it all up and hid it as far down as possible and hope there's enough of me left to salvage.

and all of this goes through my head every time I try to sleep
because I'm still a f**king bitch
I still want to go back
I still see that as an option

we go to the same church and have the same faith formation, and you wouldn't believe what even seeing her does to me
heart rate up
stomach churns
cold sweat
clammy hands (they're always f**king ice cold)
unable to stay still in one spot
physical discomfort
and an overwhelming need to get the F**K away from all the nearby people
especially her

and that shit gets bottled up too
I don't let any of it out
nobody knows
nobody.
And at this point, I can't sustain this life of staying up until I physically can't keep myself awake in an effort to minimize the thoughts of her and then doing so much during the day
I literally might f**king die
it feels like it at least
and I just needed to kinda get that out, so yeah

that's how I got manipulated into forming multiple personalities that I use around different people instead of just being myself
if you ever see me being like, really out of character, that might be why
bc I don't know myself
I only know the person she made
and I hate it
I want to be anything else
But I don't know how
or what that even IS

idk, long story short, I f**king hate myself, but not really myself, just the bits she f**ked with.

so a lil word to the wise here, never f**king expect a relationship to last when you're this young. never. And don't pursue one unless you think it'll actually go somewhere and change your life for the better.

Bro I totally get that, where you build your entire personality around other ppl and then don't know what to do with yourself when you realize it (only for me it was out of terror of the ppl around me and not love)
and when you want to be something else but don't even know what you even like, or what "you" even is
and you feel pathetic for it all

I'm so sorry that's happening and I hope you get better
maybe therapy can help or just going and discovering things and testing what you like and dislike
I'm still trying to get to that myself
don't delay it for too long or you might end up having no motivation for anything
and I don't mean the lazy kind or the kind where you can be convinced out of it
I mean like fully out of it to the point where you just don't care anymore

don't let yourself get there bc it is very hard to get out of that, and it only leads to even more pain, if that's even possible

no but why the hell did she try to keep contacting you trough your mother who the HELL does that like you want to end a relationship which already made their life worse and then STILL go on contacting them in any way possible to f**k with them like leave a person alone ffs

Your not a cornball, that's really f'd on her end.
I'm not sure what to say her... but I truly hope you are able to find yourself

damn I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve that
I understand that and I'm here for you if you need anything

shes a piece of shi, lowk u didnt derserve allat, f*ck her for changing you and not letting you be yourself

When someone knows too much about you you lowkey have kill the mod they stop being friends/partners with them (jokes aside, holy f**k this is some new kind of asshole behavior I just read)

WHAT

what did it say

he got court tomorrow for a physical assault charge (not sa but like damaging someones collarbone)

damn
lowkey based so long as they deserved it

if u need to know why pls memechat me
i'm not saying why on a public post

nvm mc link lemme just appear in your dms

Wtf

wrong post
if u need to know why pls memechat me