It's like bipolar but worse. Much worse.

Is it weird for me to do good stuff irl all the time but think awful shit all the time? As in I always treat people with respect, I always have good manners and I treat people really well but I'm always thinking some absolutely deranged thoughts in my head? Everybody that knows me irl either loves me or is on good terms with me and never get into drama with me ever. So I honestly feel like I'm bring pulled in both directions because my heart is good and loving but my mind is sick and depraved and I don't know why I have this completely opposing parallel soul.