AMERICAAAAA!!! Bald eagles doing the cha-cha on top of a Ford F-150 while sipping Mountain Dew Code Red through bendy straws shaped like Abraham Lincoln’s beard. Fireworks exploding every time someone says “freedom.” You ever seen a cheeseburger drive a motorcycle into a basketball hoop? Because in America, THAT’S A WEDNESDAY. AMERICAAAAAAAA!!! O say can you SEEEEEE!!! By the DAAAAAAAAWN’S EARLY LIIIIIGHT!!! That’s right, we sing the Star-Spangled Bamner (not Banner—BAMNER, because it hits like a bald eagle uppercut) every time someone finishes a hotdog. In this country, if you don’t burst into the national anthem at the slightest inconvenience, you’re legally required to watch Nicolas Cage movies until you do. AMERICA! AMERICA is the only place where you can buy a jet ski at Walmart and immediately use it in a fountain shaped like George Washington’s mullet. We invented basketball, jazz, and tactical glitter cannons. Our national flower is a slice of pizza with sunglasses. We pledge allegiance to the Waffle House. AMERICA!!! AND THE ROCKETS’ REEEEEED GLLLAAAAAAARE!! THE BOMBSSSS BURSTING IN AAAAIR!!! Gave proof through the NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT—THAT OUR FLAAAAAG WAS STILL THERRRRRRE!!! [guitar solo by a raccoon in a cowboy hat] This song has been playing on loop since 1776. Every 4th of July, we crank it up until the moon can hear us.Did you know every American is born with the ability to grill burgers using only elbow grease and the word “YEEHAW”? It’s a genetic mutation that only activates when you're within 50 feet of a lawnmower. Also, if you eat 3 apple pies in under 5 minutes, you unlock access to a hidden Cracker Barrel dimension. AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!O say does that STAAAAAAAR SPAAAAANGLED BAMNNNNNNEEEER YEET WAAAAAAAAVE!!! O’er the laaaaaand of the FREEEEE—AND THE HOME… OF THEEEEEE….BRAVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!A flaming eagle flies across the screen, screaming freedom in Morse code. Every presidential candidate must wrestle a robotic bear filled with BBQ sauce before taking office. The Declaration of Independence is laminated and kept in a vault behind a Chuck E. Cheese in Ohio. Our currency is printed on beef jerky and smells like vanilla patriotism. AMERICAAAAAA, BABY!!! In America, if you say “freedom” three times in front of a mirror, a military marching band appears in your bathroom and starts performing on your toilet. There are 17 secret types of denim only revealed to those who deep fry a bald eagle-shaped Twinkie. Every school
