Have you tried visiting a therapist? These thoughts can't lead to any good. It's egoistical for me say this advice, tho, sry. Your situation can be very hard and I am gonna be real, I don't know how to help you. You need to accept and help yourself, but it's very hard for you, I know. Maybe you could seek some ways in internet to help yourself to get out of this situation? And when you do seek then there's no need to feel guilty for that, but it's okay if you do. It's okay to not be okay, but don't let that stop you. You probably got too little love, security and support as a child. You have low-self esteem and you want to make yourself useful and important, am I right? And there's a lot of people like you. There's people like that that were able to get out of this horrible circle of pain, but there's also people who ain't made it. But it doesn't make your chances to heal impossible. Nothing is impossible. It will probably be hard to help yourself and taking a step to ask help will be hard too. But I believe in you. You can make it. Maybe you won't do it today, tomorrow, next week or month. But don't lose the thought, wake up everyday and think about what task you will complete today and after it give yourself some kind of price, maybe some little sweet treat or even a walk outside? It can be hard at first but don't give up. At the end of the day you can write down the things your grateful for and the things that made you upset. Maybe write down something you have achieved or something alike. Maybe that you got a better grade this time, a good lunch today or wrote some cool quote in an essay? It can be anything positive. God bless you.
