When the new low makes the old low feel high

Some days may be dark to you, but I know for you make other peoples day brighter just by you giving them a small smile

I know it's selfish to say that I'm tired of living solely for the benefit of others, but when the world shrinks to the size of your pain it's hard to see past yourself.

I know it is. And trust me I’ve been there so I understand.. but I can help you with this, because there’s so many things that are amazing about you that you just don’t see yet

Oh, I see them...my general sense of morality and compassion just refuse to let them out.

Why?

Because my predilections are proscribed by decorum, the law, social norms and basic human decency. Some of the shit my shade is inspired to do makes even me sick, and I'm so enmeshed in darkenss that cartel snuff videos register like sunday morning cartoons to me.

If I didn't know right from wrong I would be a monster's monster, so I keep that part of me shackled in the bowels of my being. Makes for strange company when I'm alone but I'll be damned if I'm going to let that bastard loose. He gets fed, but never freed.

I can help you.

Can't argue with science. Fake it til you make it I guess. Smiling helps too but it hurts my face. I've heard botox reduces depression because it paralyzes the muscles necessary to frown, so that could help.

Don’t

Don’t do Botox

I'd be better off snorting ketamine or doing TMS...both under the care of a qualified medical technician of course. I don't think insurance covers botox anyway.

Not likely, but I do appreciate the sentiment. I've got the meds, social support network, self-care, therapy, diet, sleep and exercise on the up and up. The only fly in the ointment is that I'm a based absurdist. I get that believing in god helps a lot of people, but it would be disingenuous of me to pretend that I do. It's cool, this will all be over soon enough. It's just that sometimes soon enough doesn't seem soon enough.🤷

I absolutely love that you’re still standing strong even with everything that’s happening to you.

You’re like a spartan dude

It gets less difficult with time. Perseverance builds confidence. That and neural pruning diminishes the intensity of emotions, good and bad. Sort of nature's mood stabilizer.

My life goals are to outlive my parents (or at least to die of natural causes), to keep my beast from breaking its chains, and to not reproduce. If I can manage those 3 things I'll consider my time here a success.

I’m just saying, I can help you or at least give you a couple tips

Ok, I'll bite. What do you recommend?

Positive words. Try speaking positive things over yourself every day such as, “I’m not depressed” “I don’t have suicidal thoughts” “I am happy” “I am self-confident” “I am incredibly smart” and all the other amazing things about you

Those things don't resonate. They feel hollow and desperate, which only reinforces my existing mindset.

They work though, it’s scientifically proven that they do. And I guess I’m proof that it works lol