I'd be pretty sad and depressed if you died, knowing that you died and I didn't know about it or was able to do anything about it to help you get better so you wouldn't die. I'd probably get beat up inside knowing I couldn't save a soul like you who needed help.
I know life's difficult and your life has been really hard and more traumatic than most people can handle, but life isn't about how hard you get hit, but rather about how hard you can get hit and still get back up. Imagine life like a forge, and you as a lump of scrap metal, your problems and tribulations being you as metal being gradually worked into a mighty sword or tool or something great and metallic. I know life's hard, but remember, when life gets hard, God is in a way turning your coal into shiny diamonds.
I know I'm in the party a little late, but I think you should have a book (or, more accurately, a PDF) that I have stored on my Google-Drive to help you get a handle on your problems like the tough-as-nails man you are - it's called "The Art Of Manliness", and I think it would help you out as it has a lot of useful and helpful information on a lot of different things for you - here's the general-access link for it:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mCDSx5emQkMXLaoyZe96A8-U5cooRCB7/view?usp=drivesdk
