plz?

I wish my grass was emo so that it would cut itself

I'd do that but, I've done it before in another life.
Nobody seemed to laugh at it when I put it in the fireplace.

What do you call a bus full of schoolchildren?

Epic killstreak

what do the twin towers and genders have in common?.
there used to be two of them but now its a touchy subject

What do you call a 2 year old antivax kid having a problem?

a mid-life crisis

I would but my humour is so dark it raps and picks cotton

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE

[Me my little sister and my mother all casually eating dinner]
Mother: What did you two do today?
Sister: We almost got surprise adopted!
Mother, confused: What?
Me: She means we almost got kidnapped.
Mother: Oh, ok- *Spitting out food* WAIT WHAT?!?!

I Have a fish that can break dance!
Only for 20 seconds though and only once

Why isn’t Mexico participating in the Summer Olympics?

Because any Mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in the United States.

Me: I'm so sorry your gf died trying to jump the grand canyon. How are you doing?
Best friend: I can't get over it.
Me: That's ok, neither could she.

Dang

I was sitting at a park the other day watching my daughter play when a lady leaned over to me and said, 'Which one's yours?' I said, 'I haven't decided yet,' and smiled. You should have seen the look she gave me.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE

My dad died in 9/11. : (
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He was a great pilot.

The best in Saudi Arabia.

lmao

why can't black people dream, because we shot the last one that did

Patient: Dr, you see, obesity runs in the family.
Doctor: Probably because no one runs in your family.

DAAAAAMN

While I was out shopping I tripped right in front of a lady and she just wouldn't stop staring. When I got back up I said simply, 'Sorry, it's been awhile since I've possessed a body,' she looked horrified.

Why can’t the orphan play baseball?
Cuz they can’t go to home!

Friend: Not all problems can be solved with a gun, you know.
Me: That's why I have two guns.

[I used random names]
Me: Hey, Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah?
Me: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it's on?
Charlie:
Charlie: Where's Brody?

If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Or you could punch a vegetable. What are they gonna do, stand up for themselves?

Y'all are hilarious 😂😂😂

elmo was driveing and he hit a speed bump and he speed up and he hit a mall and he got 2617 kills on the bord and he sid to cooke moster look at me and elmo pump out his eyes

What did the little boy say to the fat man?
"So how many Japs did you get?"

Why are black people so good at basketball? Cuz they steal shoot and run

Wheeze

A million dollares is like parents, not everyone gets them

They say there's a somebody able to murder in every friendship group.

I thought it was Tom so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

Why couldn't the little orphan boy be gay? He had no one to call daddy.

oh da fuq

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care!

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F of Fs

Yes

If you donate a kidney, you're a hero and everybody loves you. But donate five and suddenly everyone's screaming.

Dark humor is like food. Not everybody gets it

Money can't buy happiness.
Unless it's arsenic.

Doctor: you got 2 years to live
Me: *commit suicide*
Doctor: oh i was wrong...

My therapist told me time heals all wounds so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

the kids in my basement.

murder isnt an option, its a question, and the answaer is yes.

Violence isn't the answer. It's a question and the answer is yes.
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Blood for the blood god

hi