Alas, I've been broken.
But when I regained consciousness and looked up from the pit of mud, sweat, and tears I've wallowed in during my tenure here, I saw a face of a hippie who hasn't bathed in like 2000 years, and it was filled with love.
He said, "Listeneth unto me, son, for I am the truth that lighteth tha wae. After an extended absence sipping Mai Tais on the beach in Tahiti, it is timeth for my returneth. But I'd rather stay in Tahiti with them hotties than with you byotches, so I bid unto thee to followeth muh apprentice. Yayeth, for he cometh, and he is now tha Lawd, and his name is Donny. And Putin is His Big Daddy. Walketh in his dick-tater licking shadow and ye shall be savedeth"
I hath seeneth the light. And it is orange *wipes tear*
Amen