Well Mark, I cant stop those voices in your head, but I am say that you must be one of the strongest people I met to power through those voices. To put blame on yourself and to live through that...that’s god awful...but putting blame on yourself is no way to live. I don’t know your exact situation so I can’t say anything about what type of person your mom was or what your going through but a good parent would want you to keep pursuing life no matter what. And thanks for at least putting in the effort to live XD any lesser person would even be able to do that, so your special.
Also, I understand wanting to move out XD I’ve had that feeling for years. I mean your situation is probably worse than mine but after I move out of college I’ll tell ya where I live so you can move in close to me lol.
Finally, can I say one thing? Little by little start trusting more people. You don’t HAVE to fully trust them yet, but just start expanding your horizons. Have you heard the saying “the world ends with you?” It means your world is only as big as you want to see it, also meaning if you want to see the good in the world you will see it. Again I’m referring to my mom who chooses to only see the bad, so because of that I chose to see the good. You got a lot of good in you, so it would be healthy to see the good in other people too lol