The tattoos made the Chinese. Tattoos have been around during the dinosaur age, and one T-Rex named CarfleDarf was tasked with making the best tattoos around. He did indeed have the best art around at the time, and he was respected worldwide. But one day, an asteroid saw his tattoos on television and decided he wanted in on that shit. It rocketed towards Earth at lightning speed but hit Earth too hard, and destroyed CarfleDarf's business. All the dinosaurs were so depressed, they turned to alcohol until they eventually died of alcohol poisoning. One little flower was minding it own business during all of this, until it met the badshit crazy asteroid. Regretful of what it had done, he gave the flower it's most prized tattoo that it preserved on paper. The little flower was so happy, it grew in to a Chinese guy. The asteroid felt nice seeing the naked Chinese guy bounce about with glee, so it decided to give him a home too. It rolled into the ocean and grew until it became what we now call China. Once the Chinese guy arrived at his newfound home, he planted seeds all about China, and showed each sprout the tattoo. One by one, they grew into Chinese people who made an alphabet of similarly arranged patterns as the tattoo and made a sound for each to make their language. That is how China and it's language were made.
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