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HOW TO TAKE OVER A SMALL
COUNTRY: Written By
SimoTheFinlandized (2021 CE)
[ A Treatise In Military]
[ And Political Affairs ]
==========================
Mercenaries are back! After a
three-century hiatus, sensible
people are once again realizing
that renting an army is cheaper
than owning one: the United
States in Iraq and Afghanistan,
Putin in Ukraine and Syria,
even Nigeria against Boko
Haram. It’s boom time, boys!
But why work for someone
when you could be king?
Countries are ripe for the
plucking these days, from the
Crimea to the Gambia to large
swaths of the Middle East. Just
don’t be an amateur about it.
Here are some tips to be a
professional coup maker.
==========================
STEP 1: CHOOSE THE COUNTRY
==========================
First of all, select a country that
has been consigned to the
trash heap of history,
preferably one without
strong regional allies. The
discerning mercenary looks for
the following qualities in a
potential selection: exploitable
natural resources, corruptible
and/or incompetent military,
and at least one functional
airstrip. To facilitate
recreational activities, make
certain your target country has
a good brewery, beautiful
beaches, and women sans
veils. Although this rules out
central Africa, most of the
Middle East, and some of Asia,
you’ll have a much more
enjoyable war with beer,
bathing, and babes.
=========================
STEP 2: FIND A WARLORD
AND CO-OPT HIM:
==========================
Taking over a small country
can be exhausting work, so
don’t do it alone. Local
knowledge (and muscle) is
best. Win a native strong-man
to your side. This is the easiest
part. He will handle the
recruitment of local talent
and interrogation of sources,
and will generally keep trains
running on time. To make
him dependent on you as the
access agent, exploit his
vulnerabilities. Common
leverage points include:
hookers, cocaine mountains,
tankards of favorite libations
(Chivas Regal for the English
speakers and Hennessy XO
for the French ones), chromed
AK-47s, a supercar fleet,
statues of himself, and
excessive flattery to foster
images of megalomaniacal
grandeur.
==========================
STEP 3: SECURE FUNDING:
==========================
Unless you’ve got oodles of
cash in unmarked bills lying
around the chateau, you’re
going to have to find someone
else to pay for your
king-making enterprise.
The U.S. government might
bankroll your private army,
and USAID will throw money
at anything. Be sure to mention
“capacity building” using
“holistic modalities” that
establishes the “rule of law” to
“counter violent extremism”
and deny “terrorist safe
havens” in your proposal.
List your strongman as an
“implementing partner” with
the highest respect for
human rights. They won’t
check, so it’s alright. Another
good bet are Big Oil
companies, especially if you
fabricate “third party”
geological surveys indicating
strategic-reserve levels of oil. If
everything else fails, seek out
the son of a former British
Prime Minister who is
politically connected,
massively rich, galactically
stupid, and fancies himself a
latter-day Lawrence of Arabia.
Or better yet, Erik Prince,
founder of Blackwater and
now working for China.
=========================
STEP 4: CREATE A
SHELL COMPANY:
==========================
To get people to give you
huge amounts of cash, you
need the pretense of
legitimacy. Have a look at
the advertisements in the
back of The Economist
magazine. For $398 you can
have your own offshore
company in the Bahamas
and go scuba diving too.
Make sure your offshore
company is located in a
country with no extradition
treaties. That will come in
handy later. [Branding note:
Don’t call your new company
something obvious like Sharp
End International. Choose
something vague and dull
using any combination of the
following words: operations,
options, strategy, group,
global, international, solutions,
or just use the name of your
college alma mater or a
famous statesman. Nifty
combinations might include
Harvard Operations Group
(HOG) or Polk International
Strategic Solutions (PISS).]
=========================
STEP 5: RAISE YOUR ARMY
(RECRUITMENT & TRAINING):
==========================
More likely than not, there is
a huge labor pool of raw talent
in your country’s
neighborhood. Don’t bother
with a TV or radio recruitment
campaign (they won’t have
electricity), billboards (no
roads), or posters in villages
(they can’t read). Instead, lean
on your local strongman to
put the word out in the
ungoverned countryside
through the beer delivery
trucks, who intrepidly
venture where CIA agents
don’t dare and are beloved by
everyone. Initially, you’re going
to need some battle-hardened
combatants, preferably from
disenfranchised ethnic groups
or tribes that used to be in
power and are surly about it.
Anyone identified by Human
Rights Watch as a systematic
violator of human rights is a
sure bet for real talent. Offer
$100 a rebel (in crisp U.S.
greenbacks), an
all-the-enemies-you-can-kill
deal, and promise a massive
keg party at the end of it. That
should do the trick. A few
hundred recruits will do in
the beginning, and the rest will
join at gunpoint later. If you
have trouble making your
numbers, children are easily
pressed into service.
Alternatively, you can always
start your own cult. You will
soon learn that your new
recruits have a great deal of
shooting experience, but little
ability to shoot accurately. You
will have to break bad habits,
such as: shooting with one
hand over their eyes, shooting
their legs off, shooting
colleagues, and disco-shooting
— a technique involving
shooting AK-47s while dancing
in the middle of a firefight.
Expect to lose one quarter of
your recruits during basic rifle
marksmanship. Whatever you
do, don’t give out the grenades
until game-day. Remember —
your army doesn’t have to be
well trained, just better trained
or crazier than your adversary’s
army. If you’re lucky, you’ll be
squaring off against an
American trained force.
=========================
STEP 5: RAISE YOUR ARMY
(PROCURING ARMS
AND EQUIPMENT)
==========================
If you are operating in Africa,
you will find that most of what
you require can be purchased
cheaply and easily at the village
market. For example, an AK-47
should cost no more than $20
or a small goat. Other
equipment to procure includes:
ammo, RPGs, crew-served
weapons, and the ubiquitous
Toyota Hilux pickup truck with
.50cal attachment (aka a
“technical”). Avoid pistols, as
they tend to be used against
you by overly ambitious
subordinates, typically once
you have seized power. If you
have problems sourcing
equipment, try the local United
Nations mission, who spend
months collecting weapons
from former warring parties.
For a little baksheesh, UN
peacekeepers (especially
those from South Asia or
Nigeria) are often willing to
under-report a few tons of
weapons. If all else fails, go on
a shopping spree in Eastern
Europe. Serbia, Bulgaria, and
Romania are best. Avoid
Russia. Ukraine is busy. Also,
don’t bother with the
middleman: go directly to
the weapons factory. Expect
to spend a lot of tush-time in
dilapidated, four-prop AN-12
cargo planes flying with the
aid of a Garmin suckered to the
windshield. Bring earplugs.
Pack a lunch, a few briefcases
of cash, and some firepower in
case the deal goes bad. While
in flight, do not be alarmed by
the drunken crew smoking on
your live-ammo crates while
drinking homemade slivovitz
that tastes vaguely like distilled
hydraulic fluid. This is normal,
and you will be expected to
participate.
==========================
STEP 6: DEVELOP A DECENT
PROPAGANDA CAMPAIGN:
==========================
You can count on the
international press not caring
about your country-to-be,
unless white tourists are killed.
However, noisome
Non-Governmental
Organizations (NGOs), such
as Amnesty International, may
raise a stink after your coup,
so pre-empt them by offering
a counter-narrative to the
complacent press. Claim that
you “nobly plan to restore
hope to a beleaguered people,
victimized by a serial human
rights abusing, terrorist-loving
tyrant.” Be sure to flash
pictures of starving babies
with flies on their faces to
attract Hollywood celebrities
to your cause. Include some
combination of the following
buzz-phrases in your press
release: “local ownership,”
“human security” and “good
governance.” For NGOs who
fail to get the message, don’t
order a “disappearance” of
their staff, as they will only use
this against you. Instead,
arrange for a sex-scandal
involving the NGO’s country
director, small native boys,
and YouTube. With luck, the
entire NGO will be declared
persona non grata, and kicked
out of the country by dawn.
=========================
STEP 7: STAGING THE COUP:
==========================
Once you’ve passed out the
hand grenades, fueled up the
technicals, and verified that
your army is high on dope (you
can’t stop this so you might
as well channel it for the
cause), you are ready to
stage your coup d’etat. Most
fragile states are so
accustomed to coups that
all you really need to do is
take over the radio station
and the Presidential Palace to
achieve local “buy-in.” First,
attack at dawn, when
government forces will be
hung-over and thus
incapacitated. Second, take
out the cell-phone towers. You
will find that this eliminates
99% of the government’s
ability to communicate (the
last 1% comprise of
hand-signals and verbal
abuse). Third, drive madly
down the main streets
shooting into the sky and
cursing wildly. This is standard
coup-protocol, and signals to
the citizens: “Armed coup in
progress; please remain
inside your homes.” Fourth,
expect a final stand of
semi-sober, loyal government
forces at the palace front gate.
This will be a paltry but
fearless force of the president’s
“elite” inner-circle bodyguard.
Usually this means about a
hundred deranged child
soldiers who worship the
president as father and king.
The best way to defeat these
mini-monsters is to take cover
and taunt them via bullhorn,
calling them names (e.g.,
teeny squirt, virgin-boy, lil’
pecker, mini-me-men, etc.).
Inevitably, they will become
enraged and shoot all their
ammo at you. When it runs
out, crash down the gates and
crack heads. Fifth, go straight
to the president’s bedroom
and dig him out from under
his pile of whores (caution: he
may be dressed as one of
them). He will appear much
smaller in real life than on TV,
so it might take a while to
recognize him. Almost
immediately (within the hour)
conduct a “war crimes” trial
followed by a good old-fashion
hanging, Saddam
Hussein-style. A minimal level
of pageantry is important. For
some reason, the international
community respects this more
than a bullet to the head. Finish
up with a national feast,
involving free beer from the
local brewery, indigenous
dancing, and virginal sacrifice
(if culturally appropriate).
=========================
STEP 8: CEMENTING
YOUR POSITION:
==========================
To your surprise, you will
find that the citizenry will
continue on with “business
as usual.” However, you will
have to act immediately to
establish your authority
among pesky rivals by
eliminating the opposition
entirely and making a few
examples of ambitious allies
(e.g., your co-opted warlord).
You must do this on the
same day as the coup, which
will send ripples through the
countryside, contain most of
the bloodshed to a single day,
and make good press. Avoid
becoming a global pariah by
joining a “coalition of the
willing” and/or becoming a
U.S. partner in the “War on
Terror” or whatever they call
that now. Instead, volunteer
your country as a secret U.S.
air base or CIA prison center
in exchange for Washington’s
political cover at the United
Nations and lots of military
aid (it worked for Pakistan
and Egypt for years).
==========================
STEP 9: DO SOME
NATION-BUILDING:
==========================
In order to avoid a coup
yourself, you will need more
than repressive secret police
— you will need to generate
some Gross Domestic Product
for your country. If you can
grow them, poppies or coca
leaves yield more revenue
than, say, rice or whatever
the World Bank is pushing
these days. And then people
will pay you not to grow them,
so it’s “win-win.” However,
becoming a narco-state is so
yesterday. Instead, consider
turning your country into an
offshore tax haven for hedge
funds and oligarchs. As the
British Virgin Islands shows,
laundering billions of dollars
will not only pay handsomely,
it will also put you in tight with
the Fortune 500 cocktail circuit,
who will pay to develop
ultra-posh scuba resorts on
your beaches, right next to
your banks. Of course, this
will land your new nation on
the Financial Action Task Force
blacklist, but think of this as
free advertising. Lastly, shore
up customer confidence by
not signing quaint extradition
treaties. Let them know that
they always have a “home
away from home,” if they must
suddenly flee their country.
You may have missed out on
the Arab Spring wave but you
might get lucky with an African
Spring, Latin Spring or Asian
Spring. You will soon realize
that once you have a vote in
the United Nations, you can
do whatever you want — enjoy!
==========================
STEP 10: BASK IN VICTORY:
==========================
You will find that ruling a
small country is akin to being
a rock star. Give yourself a new
name in the local language, like
“Rooster Who Gets All The
Hens,” and even name your
new nation after yourself like
Cecil Rhodes did. You will have
hoes-a-plenty, drugs, money, a
private jet, an entourage, and
no responsibility. People will
expect you to misbehave, so
don’t let them down.
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