lol @ "Too strict + unhealthy."

Vegan Ice Cream: Tofutti, So Delicious, various others.
Dairy-Free Chocolates: Jokerz Bars, various others
Whipped Cream Alternatives: Rice Whip, Soy Whip, homemade coconut milk whip.

"Saturated fatty acids raise total and low-density lipoprotein (LDL) cholesterol, but individual fatty acids within this group, have different effects (3-5). Myristic and palmitic acids have the greatest effect and are abundant in diets rich in dairy products and meat."

Source: World Health Organization http://www.who.int/nutrition/topics/5_population_nutrient/en/index10.html

For a (very partial) list of mock meats, vegan candies, baked goods, etc:
http://www.veganstore.com/category/vegan-food-items