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I f**king hate my life
-My growth's already been stunted, most likely due to extreme stress, and that led to my nervous system thinking it's bigger than my body, even though it's not, leaving me in an almost constant state of discomfort and non-appearance-based dysphoria and a f**ked up proprioception
-almost all my irl friends are fake except for a few, I'm more treated like a social keychain, people just want to be friends with me to they can brag to others that they're friends with me
-severe anger issues and emotional dysregulation problems have driven a few people away from me
-I'm a tomboy, but to such an extreme degree people have mistaken me for a: dude, transgender, lesbian. Even though I'm straight, and people also occasionally think I'm a pick me girl even though I'm just me and I can't help that, and I've even been made fun of for it.
-people online keep treating neurodivergence as some "silly :3" thing and it pisses me off
-ive had several substance issues ever since I was around 12. I'm 15 now. The way I got to some substances was from stealing them from my parents or getting them from illegal outlets like dealers.
-theres a few specific people online who i don't wanna name who tried to ruin my reputation and my life by making stuff up about me, and editing screenshots of me or taking them severely out of context. They've also tried accusing me of being a nazi once which is funny because I'm part Jewish. Despite that, I'm still horrified they'll come back to harass me.
-the one time I did try to find love, he was gay.
-my main interests (Planet DOB and Jet Set Radio) make me look like a total weeb due to both originating in Japan.
-I'm multiracial (mostly whasian) but I don't think I look very Asian, there's no problem with that but still.
-I'm constantly in fear that I'll develop cancer due to some of my habits and even though I occasionally want to die, I don't want to die young.
-I've attempted suicide over 60 times, all those times, either my parents caught me in the act, it was taking too long, it was too painful, or it simply didn't work. It could be possible quantum immortality is real but still it's crazy how I even survived all that
-tons of family drama i don't even feel like mentioning
-my family tree was heavily influenced by world war 2
-my parents split when I was just 4, my mom took me and left my dad without warning because he wasn't taking care of me properly
-I'm just such a fucking chud
-street i live on used to be the suburbs until the nearby slums enshittified it
-I get jealous whenever the rich kid in my class uses his computer because its fancy and high-end, and I'm trying to afford a gaming laptop so I can develop my game but I can't afford anything like that
-parents won't let me get a job or go around getting paid for stuff, and only ever let me get money via an "allowance" that barely ever comes or using me as a chore slave
-ive already lost several family members, old and young to diseases that run in our family, and I'm afraid I could be next
-I'm agnostic, because I'm neutral, but also because I feel like there's either no god, or the god (or gods) that exist lack passion (i used to be mildly Christian when I was younger, despite being raised in a mostly Athiest family however)
-some of my favorite movies are mostly viewed as "shitty" by most people (eg. Dude, Where's My Car? and Bio-Dome)
-I had an inflation fetish back when I was 6 (no longer do)
-severe trauma of several types (obviously)
-trying to start a band but everyone at school either thinks I'm joking, rejects the offer, or forgets about it
-ive done several things i heavily regret, and I don't mean ruining my digital footprint or doing something stupid I mean committing actual serious crimes, however I don't wish to be investigated so I'm not going to specify, the most severe one was in self defense however, that's all I'm going to say about that.
-my stress sometimes gets so bad it causes actual physical illness
-sounds hard to believe but I've been bullied for being straight before
-me and my family argue a lot to the point where we both tell eachother horrible things (eg. "You're good for nothing and you're a disappointment to our family" "you would've gotten an abortion if you could've afforded it")
-often during arguments, my mom asks me "how are you going to hold a job when you act like this?" And tells me I'm going to be homeless and I'm going to die on the street
-I still don't know how to tie my shoes, I still eat my boogers, and I can't do division or 2+ digit subtraction without a calculator
-extremely afraid of butterflies and moths, not photos or fake ones however
-took an iq test back in 2nd grade and apparently I had "139 iq" (i doubt it)
-even though I'm stupid as hell (objective, not exactly self-deprecating), I still often feel like the smartest person in the room, which could possibly be saying something
-I wish I was taller and flatter, but still recognizably a girl
-oxygen absorption issue due to a vitamin b12 deficiency, so I'm strong asf but my stamina is horrible and I run out of breath quick
-can't stop gooning
-I like dumbass food combinations like cheez its dipped in chocolate pudding or grilled cheeses mixed with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
-horrendous manners
-constantly tired because I'm an unfixable night person
-i have the most horrendous intrusive thoughts at random, and I mean downright horrid, I wouldn't act on them but I hate it
-I want to have kids in the future but I'm scared of the health risks associated with pregnancy and I don't wanna fall in love with anyone, I mean I'm straight, not aroace or any bullshit like that i just don't feel like i wanna be in a relationship. I'm just so afraid of my bloodline ending and the fact I'll eventually be forgotten after I die
-literally nobody else at school has any of my interests
-i feel like I try to do so much for people but I'm always never appreciated, but as soon as I mess something up, that's suddenly the only thing people wanna talk about
-annoyed when suburban kids say that they're "gangstas from the hood" because a lot of "hoods" aren't always "gangsta" they're sometimes just economically shitty and dangerous
-even when I'm occasionally suicidal, I'm still afraid of death
-I wish I lived in the early 2000s, even with all the bullshit happening during then, I feel like I would've been happier and freer with my sense of humor and also just the fact stuff was less corporately flat
I'm just waiting for a miracle to happen, I desperately need something to replenish my hope
