Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing.
Specifically, regarding P. I distinctly remember one of the last things he asked us to do being to open the stream in hopes that another Canadian would come and fill the steat he previously occupied. But I never did. And there's a reason.
I got real here sometimes. I shared a lot. A did a lot. I only posted my face reveal here because I didn't want it taken advantage of and I trusted the people here. I honestly got scared that removing the private tag would cause this place to fall apart. I didn't want people to get in who would stir up trouble or just be genuinely horrible. Jeffrey comes to mind, and I understand that he's an extreme example but he sure as hell ain't the only one.
But I wonder if I messed up. Because people started leaving. Accounts deleted or ghosted. No posts for weeks. I started to wonder if I had broken something. That's why I elected to let Celcius stay. I figured that if we had someone like P back - and Celcius is (or at one point was) the closest thing to him on the site - I could fix whatever I had broken.
But now... shit, now it's a ghost town. And I feel like it's my fault. Because I'm the one who made it. I just... you guys are my friends. It's saying a lot because I only know you over the internet, but it stands. I kinda hoped that t'd stay the same way it was at the beginning. I still remember it clearly - I was just getting into Murder Drones, I hadn't met PetRock or DragonArtLover yet... f**k, it feels like yesterday. But that was - what - five years ago? Four? I don't remember.
I dunno guys. I just feel like I broke it. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I *can* fix it. That probably hurts more than it should, but f**k it. The Inner Circle was a big part of me. And I know I wasn't present for a while after DragonArtLover broke up with me, but I still never meant to cause this place to be abandoned.
I just feel like it's my fault this server died. And I can't fix it. I don't know how to or if it's even possible. But dammit, I wanna try. I wanna try so, so damn hard. So please, help me out here.
And if the time has come, and y'all have moved on... it's been real, guys. Thanks for being there for what we're undoubtedly my highs and lows. Thanks for trusting me, for sharing laughter, and for electing to spend your time hanging out with a dumb teen with anger issues, insecurities, and tons of problems. You were the realest friends I ever had.
