Complicated. At this exact moment (middle of the night), it's alright, I just kinda have writer's block I think.
Overall situation is... I'm stressed, and I'm scared bc fascism is on the rise (also in Germany, where I live), so I'm probably gonna get in trouble as an autistic trans person if they get elected. And it's hard to even think about HRT, even though it's way easier to get here than in most of the world. Also worried about my relationship with my friends because our communication is a bit weird currently (he wants to rationalize everything, I know that rationalizing everything turned me into a mess, so this is a bit distanced) and I just sometimes feel like I'm masking even with my closest friends. I've always masked in order to avoid conflict, which has made me a total people pleaser.
But overall, it's very ambiguous. I go in both extremes all the time.
I vented a lot, sorry for that. I mean, I'm lucky, I know that I'm one of the last people who should complain, but I sometimes literally feel like in psychological horror with hypervigilance and nervousness. I guess I'm way more fragile than a lot of other people. Why am I writing so much, maybe even nonsense? I don't know, it's just in the middle of the night, so I'm rambling and venting and justifying me venting, which probably isn't even necessary...
