I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. I’m surrounded by people who swear they love me, people who promise they care, but at the end of the night I still feel like I’m rotting alone in my own mind. It’s the kind of loneliness that sits in your chest and eats at you slowly, the kind that makes you realize being “loved” and being understood are two completely different things. Nobody really notices when I go quiet. Nobody notices how exhausted I am from fighting my own thoughts every single day. They hear me laugh and think I’m okay, but they don’t see how quickly the smile dies the second I’m alone again. I spend so much time trapped in my room sleeping my life away, reading words that feel more alive than I do, writing songs because it’s the only place I can bleed without making people uncomfortable. Sometimes I sit there and genuinely wonder what would happen if I disappeared. Not in some dramatic way — I mean truly vanished. Would people cry because they miss me, or because death makes people feel guilty? How long would it take before everyone moved on? A week? A month? Would my name eventually become something people avoid bringing up because it’s easier than admitting they could’ve listened more? This world feels so empty now. Everyone’s addicted to distraction. Sex. Drugs. Screens. Games. Sleep. Noise. Anything to avoid feeling something real for five f**king minutes. People ask “how are you?” but they never stay long enough to hear the honest answer. Nobody wants the ugly truth. Nobody wants to hold someone while they fall apart. They just want the cleaned-up version of pain that’s easy to digest.And the worst part is that all I want — all I’ve wanted for so long — is you. I want your arms around me when my chest gets heavy and I can’t stop overthinking. I want to lay next to you and finally feel safe enough to cry without apologizing for it. I want to hear your heartbeat instead of silence. I hate that the person I love most exists behind a screen when all I need is to be held by you for one f**king night so I can stop feeling like I’m drowning alone.
