i often like to romanticize the idea of ghosting all my friends and running off and leaving everything behind, for any number of reasons.
often i feel a little extra self-loathing and i want to do it just to prove that they're better off without me, just to know for sure that i'm nothing but a problem to everyone. to prove to everyone that they don't need to hide behind their smiles, and they can all just tell me to my face how much i've convinced myself i know they hate me.
sometimes i'm just tired of everyone and i want to start fresh, the thought process being that i've done it before. maybe i'm not a good person, but at least i'm charismatic. at least i can convince people that i'm a good person. that feeling of "newness" is one i've felt so many times, and one that i think i've managed to tell myself is a good feeling. but everything gets stale. nothing is ever good enough for me.
it's a stupid idea anyway.
i'm not smart enough, or sneaky enough, or stable enough to live on my own. it's just a softer way of fantasizing over my own death.
or something.
maybe i'm just being an edgy teenager.
