Oh Hell No

Actually, not true. I got 40 units of credit towards the one I finished.

And a Grad Cert for the first one. I finished the first year but the quality was shite so I didn’t finish it. The course got canned a few years later.

?? I don't understand. What is a Grad Cert vs a master's degree?

Grad Cert is a post grad qualification. As is Masters. In the first course I did, the Grad Cert was the first half of the Masters. The Masters I finished was 120 units though, so it only gave me credit for 1/3 of it. That course is now only 80 units for Masters.
In case you’re wondering, I got Distinctions and High Distinctions for the Grad Cert (the standard wasn’t really post-grad in my opinion). The Masters I completed had more academic rigour and I mostly got credits.
A lot of Uni and technical college/ vocational training courses have different exit points. Sometimes it can be cheaper to do a lower level course and use it to get credit or advanced standing in higher level courses.

What country were you in when you got those designations? Those aren't terms typically used in the US. Maybe that's why I don't understand.

US College programs aren’t particularly well regarded, except for a few. Your “average” first year or two of a College Diploma or Degree is probably not much more than a lot International schools’ senior school certificate (I think the IB is about the most difficult senior school program).
But I am well koalified

??