i got high last night on pot for the first time. i ate two edibles and walked downstairs. i read a book to my little sister before the power came on; when she had me stop reading for a minute it felt relaxing. she comes back downstairs and i continue reading. the power comes back on; i go downstairs to my room and start texting my best friend Rabbit. i sent them a video of me just playing Perfect Dark for around 30 minutes. it was happy. my body was finally relaxed and i dropped all my stress. nothing could bother me. then my head started buzzing. i realized i cant focus on anything. i needed to be alone. i was told to do the dishes; I was shaking and it was some of the greatest fear I've ever experienced. i prayed nobody would come and try to talk to me. my head was spinning and i tried to focus on the familiar feeling of the chore. I come back downstairs. I can't even play Perfect Dark quite right. my shots were off and it felt like the game kept dropping frames, but, instead of the computer lagging my brain was. I hear footsteps from upstairs and i decide to turn my laptop off and put it underneath my pillow. i just fall asleep. it feels like my vision is sprouting from my ear, and like the tie dye aesthetic that people use when they get high and the decadent but trippy visions they put down everything is uncoordinated, bright, and colorful. my vision happened to be of retro-futurism. much of what I was thinking was just telling myself I was finally okay, that I feel okay, that I'm a little older and less insane. I feel as though I should tell my therapist this or show him the video I took of being high.
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