Starting to get a bit ticked, so I'm doing a rant to let off steam

i often feel ashamed of moments in my childhood, i have no clue why
my mom and dad had gotten divorced when i was a kid, and i found out that my dad was actually being a bad father and husband, but my mom and i didn't know better, because i never had a father before, and my mom was used to abuse, and my father never talked to me or my sister for years (and he was my sister's biological dad), and never even invited us to his wedding when he got married, which REALLY hurt, i can continue, but i don't want to overwhelm you

My guy, it appears we've suffered through a terrible childhood due to our fathers.

If you ever feel like ranting about your father, don't be afraid to talk to me about it. I know the pain of a father being an absolute jackass, far too well.

Before I start: For those who don't know, common signs of a person having a bad childhood are these:
Being more calm in dangerous situations, flinching at quick movements, acting like an adult at a young age, being independant, not remembering childhood properly, etc.

Time to start.

For most of my life, I felt as if I've been ignored by my dad, but I never let it get to me, until 4 years ago. Now, I can't remember MOST of my younger years, but I can only imagine that it was bad, especially for 2-3 years in Primary School where my brother and I were bullied and some kid made up a virus with our names with "germs" at the end of it. I didn't really care for it, but there was this time where it got particuarly bad, and a kid got instant karma for it.

For context, I was in year 3, and my year was having "Pajama Day" and we got to bring in our doonas and pillows, plushies and what not. This kid, who I'll call "Harris", would not stop picking on me, and I knocked on the teachers door for help, not knowing the situation, they didn't do anything(at first), but when they saw me pounding on their door, face red from tears, they came out, and expelled the child on the spot. Why? I was friends with the teacher, and complimented on her necklace when I found out she was my teacher, unknowing it was her first year there. I was allowed into the teacher's room ever since(along with my brother), and it's where we spent most of our lunch and recces time ever since, but we did go out in the playground. We were great friends with the teachers, and on my last day of Primary, I recall visiting her, giving her a hug before saying goodbye. Sometimes I wish I could see her again to say thankyou for being an adult I could trust outside of my mother and older sister.

Back to the shit that makes me rage though. I for the longest time since 2020 knew something was off with my dad, especially when he began to drink more and more, often leading to bad situations. Now, I've told this story before, but I remember when he locked me out of the house knowing I was coming home from school by walking(since it was a 15 minute walk there and back), and I had to pick-lock the back door to get inside. He and my mom would have constent arguements, and I would hear some of it and it'd make me want to absolutely bash the shit out of my dad, but I kept it to myself and hid my pain.

Part 2:

It wasn't until mid 2022(or 2021, can't remember exactly) where shit absolutely hit the fan. My dad was absolutely drunk off of his mind, and was arguing with my mom. I was hiding in my room listening to music to drown it out, but I knew it was bad, especially when my sister got involved and he started taking it out on her through the closed front-door. It was horrible, and it ended with my mom calling the cops to take him away, since she's seen more than enough. An AVIO was put in place against him, and they went to court several times.

Early last year, I can recall my mom telling me that she finally figured out why I was always the first one to come see her when she arrived home. It wasn't a "yay, mom's home", it was a "I'm safe now" approach to my mom, always hugging her when she got home from work. She was broken, and nearly cried, but I reassured her that it was ok, but I knew it really wasn't. Even now, if my dad is over, and she comes home from work, I know I'm safe, because she will do anything in her power to protect me, like the literal shield she is to me and my siblings.

But here's the part that REALLY pisses me off: He lied to me, and I fell for it.
Earlier this year, when he was actually finally sober for once, we had a talk out the front of my house, my dad sitting on the chair and me, on the railing with my back against one of the pillars, but looking at him. I thought it was an honest conversation. It was, but only on MY end. I mentioned that during younger years that he left me aside, and he denied it all, but I knew that wasn't true. I also said that he was doing it out of "favoritism", and he also denied that, and said it was because my older sister was the only one who actually understood him, and that was the part where he lied. He does favorite my sister, and no-one else. And it was a few weeks ago when I learned that everything he said was a lie, and I was half my mind to beating the shit out of him(alongside my brother), and I also learned that he's using my sister to get ahold of my mom. Everytime she gets a text message from my dad, she has a breakdown about it and me, my brother and mom have to console her to make sure she's ok. Thankfully we're all playing a game together to help get it off of our minds, and it's helping a lot.

Part 3:

He's manipulated my mom a lot, despite my warnings to my mom not to trust him, but she can't help but want to see him again sometimes. I know when he's up to something when my mom tells me about the e-mails she receives from him, and she's always put in a bad(sad, rather) mood because of them, and it just fuels my fire for wanting to do nothing but absolutely BEAT THE SHIT out of that monster.

He's created hell for my family, and we're all trying to crawl out of it, but he drags us down further whenever we interact with him, so I refuse to come in contact with him, same with my brother, my sister and mom on the other hand, are unsure(but I feel like my sister is slowly starting to want nothing to do with him.) My last remaining grandma is also on case with this, and wants to join me and my brother on our quest to wanting to beat the shit out of my dad for causing nothing but pain.

He's a demon, who latched onto an angel and created 2 angels, but created and left one as a broken demon who fights themselves on a regular basis to try and reach for the light, but only falls back from their mistakes.

However, the broken demon found fellow lost souls and did nothing but provide them with care, love and protection, no matter the situation, and no matter what happened.

I'm doing anything I can to help you all, despite the shit that is going down right now. At times I feel like worthless garbage, but I have you guys to help make me smile through these times. I cannot thankyou all enough. I love and care for each and everyone of you.

Chaos Forever.

Life is never fair to us, and I get that. They give us things we want, only to take it away and make us cry (I probably shouldn't be quoting South Park, but whatever-)

I'm glad your family is taking a stand on the matter and you all deserve a chance at redemption, and possibly, payback.

This is a fight you can win. You are all strong ^^

*hugs, tight*

I'm not reading everything but

I actually have the "common sign"

And I lost more memory than just childhood

I lost most of my memories I had from 5 y/o to 14 y/o

I have somes left but not a lot

Of course you're not reading everything. I didn't expect you to.

But might gonna, because ur life get my curiosity

The moment I step foot in Australia I will be beating the shit out of your dad or at least make his life hell somehow and someway. Even if I say I wanted to go to Australia to only study, I also want to protect you, someone's who I see as my younger sibling and best friend. It just sickens me that all this happened to you for your family, and I am sensitive to such things even though I never show it. Especially when it comes to children.

That being said, I understand you pretty well, at least I think I do. As another f**ked up teenager who went through abuse and bullying ,and still kinda is in a way, I can tell you've been through so much and feel like the world has betrayed you the moment you started to understand it, and even then, you were way too young. And the pain somehow gets worse everyday I wake up and smile through it.

(Following words is lil vent)
I don't think I ever talked about my bullying, but let me tell you how much it had affected me. I got bullied for my physical appearance, voice, skin, body, interests and hobbies. I was always the art kid, not like I wanted to be called the art kid. People would steal my shit all the time, from sketchbooks to keychains. And teachers were also unfair except a few. This happened for a good time ever since PRESCHOOL to fifth grade, and in fifth grade i had first started SH. So eventually when school started back on 7th grade bc we had online classes in sixth, I was really not excited. Barely a few months in and I had actually given up. I guess lonely with no real friends and soon I grew way too used to feeling lonely that it scared me when I didn't feel lonely and people came into my life them self. I felt like I couldn't like things which people thought was weird and didn't like, like fnaf, creepy pasta, and Undertale. Which, actually people did like, especially boys liked fnaf, and people that liked it were in other grades. but I don't know why I got bullied for it. And I was always the anime kid and sure I was cringe, but I was happy with living in my own little bubble.

That's when I found the Chaos realm. Four years man. Four years of me feeling wanted by few silly people on the internet. And when I tell my friends.. more acquaintances' about this, they all usually laugh, say it's probably a bunch of old people, I'm getting tricked or something like that.

I'll make a video regarding bullying when I feel like it because I think people has forgotten just how much of a toll that is on a young child

Thankyou, and I absolutely appriciate your support. And yes, I too see you as a sibling, my older brother in fact as well. and.. I don't know what to say about the fact you were being bullied. But now it makes me want to kill your bullies as well. So, while you beat my dad, I can beat your bullies.

Anyways, thankyou. *hug*