Let's review the Church of the Orange Doonce's emergent, outlandish dogma of the last few weeks

-BAGRAM AIRBASE IS IN ALASKA -EVERY U.S. CITIZEN HIRED BY A DOMESTIC START-UP IN THE LAST TWO YEARS IS NOW AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT -THE COLUMBIA RIVER COMES OUT OF A GIANT FAUCET ATTACHED TO AN EQUALLY GIANT SPLITTER VALVE -ALL THE UKRAINIANS ARE DEAD BUT THE WAR CONTINUES (SO BATTLE-ZOMBIES, THEN?); -MICHIGAN'S AUTO-INDUSTRY SPECIFICALLY IS IN DANGER OF BEING NUKED FOR SOME REASON -THE ECONOMY'S BAD DUE TO NO-ONE BEING ABLE TO BUY BACON (BIT OF A CAUSE & EFFECT PROBLEM THERE) -THE MAJORITY OF U.S. CITIZENS SOMEHOW MAGICALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT PHONE APPS ARE -MINNEAPOLIS IS CONFIRMED OFFICIALLY RE- NAMED "MINNIANAPOLIS" [DOES NOT APPLY TO NON-ADHERENTS]; -"UNIQUE" IS NOW PRONOUNCED "UNAQUE" [UNKNOWN IF SPELLING ALTERED TO MATCH, DOES NOT APPLY TO NON-ADHERENTS] -FLIES [THE INSECT] ARE NOW THE FAULT OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS RATHER THAN NATURE -WOMEN CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT BEING R-PED -FREE MONEY GOVERNMENT HANDOUT FIAT SOCIALISM IS NOW A-OKAY AND WILL BE INSTITUTED IF DEAR LEADER RETAKES THE OVAL OFFICE