This is just a stab in the dark, but I think you are experiencing internalized homophobia/transphobia due to past beliefs that you are still trying to work your way out of or because of beliefs that your family & maybe friends have which is making it harder to accept yourself. But no matter your gender or sexuality, you are still you Neko. It’s ok if you end up cis, trans, genderfluid, or anything else. You are still your wonderful self. The only thing that changes is a label.