We can only act on the information we have.
Things change, and an inattentive or closed-
minded person will miss changes, filling in
gaps in their awareness with what they
expect to see or what they want to see
rather than what’s actually there.
We can know people, but we can’t change
who they are, or stop them from changing.
We can only adapt our responses
according to the information they provide
us. When someone we thought of as a
friend stops acting as a friend, they’ve
either changed into someone who no
longer wishes to be our friend or else has
dropped the pretense of friendship and
revealed that they were never really a
friend in the first place. In either case it’s
not about us—it’s about them.
The things a person says about us reveal
little about us—they reveal things about
the person saying them. The relevant
information being conveyed isn’t the
content of what is said—it’s the character
of the person saying it. There are
applicable sayings such as “hurt people
hurt people” and “misery loves company”.
Maybe the reason is they were abused
themselves and abusing others is what
they’ve been taught. Maybe they abuse
others because they find it inherently
gratifying. Maybe they abuse others
because an underlying mental illness
intermittently compels and robs them
of their self control. In the end it doesn’t
matter. No one deserves to be abused, and
no one needs to tolerate it. Whatever the
reason, when someone decides to take this
course with us, the relevant information
being conveyed is that this is not, or is no
longer, a person worthy of our time and
energy. The proper path to take is one that
leads away from the problem individual and
towards measures that will protect you
from them.
In the fallout of such separation, it is
common to blame ourselves for not
seeing it coming, or somehow bringing
it on ourselves. Having our trust betrayed
is a wounding experience. But you can only
know what you have been shown, and if you
have been shown decency in the past then
that’s the information you have to go off. If
you can, try to forgive the offending person,
for your own sake. There’s no benefit to
holding grudges or carrying the baggage of
hostility with you. Make a goal of setting it
down and letting it go. Forgive. Don’t forget.
People don’t deserve a second chance to
hurt us.
Some people try to rationalize abusive
behavior under the guise of “breaking you
down to toughen you up”. With the possible
exception of military training, there’s nothing
helpful about having our self-esteem
demolished and being gas-lit into doubting
ourselves or our reality. Remember—the
things people say about us reveal more
about them than they do about us. And that
information was there before it was stated.
Hearing it just makes it available to act on.
