I can't stop it.
I was exposed to this at a younger age, and became invested. It's sometimes the only thing I think about. The major thing stopping this from getting worse is my girlfriend. I can't stop it. I'm addicted. It's sometimes the only thing that helps me out of tough times, such as depressive episodes. I can't tell anyone else in my real life, or else I'll be verbally beaten by it.
I'm sorry about this trauma dump, don't help if you're overwhelmed.