you search to find some semblance of cosmic worth in life, be it the abilty to control your destiny, having an understanding on your conscience, or otherwise; in an attempt to escape the feeling of pointless monotonous actions, and reducing your depressive and apathetic state of mind; you inevitably fail to find any worth, sinking further into an apathetic, depressive state; the cold tide of monotony takes over, and your struggle begins again