Now that I've read through it all I wanted to see if I can help.
It all just being blank and boring at some point.. But you should keep going. As obvious it may sound, but it's worth keeping at it because things will go up, and it'll be better at some point sooner. The internet isn't the best place to cope, but depending on the place and people it can genuinely help you albeit for a temporary time. Mood swings eventually get to us, and we have no control over them at times and end up regretting what we did later. You have to keep your head up. Keeping it down and accepting a loss isn't gonna help for this, you neee to keep doing it because in the right places, it will get better.
Sorry if nothing i said helped, but I tried. ^^