question..

The word "conservative" is a rather meaningless description of people with a certain ideology as it's a naturally ever-changing term. The word liberal originally used to describe laissez faire capitalists who believed in natural rights, now it's more used to describe social democrats and progressives in the anglo world. Most true liberal don’t call themselves "liberals" anymore but rather stick to calling themselves “classical liberals” to avoid confusion.

was*

I'm hyper-conservative

Not conservative enough, I'm afraid...

The difference between a legitimate conservative and a conservative in name only is simple: the belief that all your problems can or should be solved by big government.
No one on the left and most people on the "right" have never found any problem that can't be solved with other people's money.
Kamikaze can "solve" any problem with more government and more taxes. Even problems made by the Gov't or taxes.
IG, British, whatever doesn't actually support small Government. The extreme right still thinks the government should step in and solve all their problems. They just support de-facto religious dictatorships, as opposed to de-facto atheist dictatorships.

I'd say that's more of a libertarian versus conservative issue

Maybe. But are "big government" conservatives REALLY conservative? Nah.

why don't you just describe yourself as libertarian?

I'm not a REAL Libertarian. Libertarianism in it's purest form is the belief that you should be able to do whatever you want if it doesn't hurt other people.
I recognize that all laws ultimately come from moral absolutes. So the attempt to separate morality and legality is impossible. Libertarianism ultimately supports things like late term abortion and NAMBLA type activities as they are viewed (paradoxically) as "personal" decisions.

meaning you do believe that some problems should be solved by the government

Yeah.
I'm not saying you need no government. I'm saying BIG government is the problem not the solution.
Example: any large bureaucracy in history creating committees to study problems instead of making any attempt to address problems...

ok true large bureaucracy is the worst

I just don't think that "big government sucks" truly encapsulates what conservatism is

Ok.

You mean sitting down and rationally defining political terms rather than tauntingly dismissing those I happen to disagree with as “fake”?

I’m afraid that would make it much more difficult for me to promote my divide-and-conquer agenda.

Nay