"FELLOW CITIZENS OF THE WORLD. DON'T SEND THE RANSOM, I ESCAPED. TWO MONTHS AGO, I WAS KIDNAPPED AND A PERFECT DOUBLE WAS PUT IN MY PLACE, LIKE IN THE MOVIE 'DAVE.'"; "ZELENSKY CONTROLLED THIS PLOT AND STAGED FAKE ATTACKS ON HIS COUNTRY, COMPLETE WITH WAR-LIKE SETS AND MARVELOUS ACTORS WHO CAN PLAY DEAD, ON COMMAND."; "IT HAS ALL BEEN CLEVERLY PRESENTED, LIKE IT WAS A DOCUMENTARY OR SOMETHING. I SWEAR IT'S TRUE. SLAP MY FACE AND CALL ME CHRIS, IF YOU THINK I'M LYING."
