That's hilarious. For the past several years, I cater dinner to all first responders (sheriff, police, fire, ems) in my county on Christmas eve. It might surprise you to know that first responders in red states are possibly bigger preppers than the rest of us patriots. Nobody wants to divulge exactly how prepared they are, so it's hard to really gauge.
If I want a sandwich, I'll walk out to the pasture and butcher a cow, or a chicken, or a goat. Or I'll go to the pond and pull out a catfish. If I have 10 people to feed, I'll try to catch a grass carp..... All of this without leaving my property.
I know you've spent at least 10 minutes thinking about this sort of thing. Keep at it, in a couple of decades or so you'll catch up to where I am now. I've been preparing with tools, weapons, provisions, and skills since 2001.