I am the secretary of Defense.
Mine_turtle_attorney_at_law, by order of the trooper brothers, i place you under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to a lawyer and have him present while you are being questioned. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer, one will be appointed to represent you before any questioning if you wish one.
*proceeds to handcuff you*