[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord Farquaad : What's that? It's hideous!
Shrek : Well, that's not very nice.
[gestures to Donkey]
Shrek : It's just a donkey.
Donkey : [looks at a hovel] Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek : 'That' would be my home.
Donkey : Oh... and it is LOVELY! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.
Princess Fiona : Where are you going? The exit's over there!
Shrek : [going to save Donkey] Well, I have to save my ass.
Princess Fiona : [shocked] What kind of knight ARE you?
Shrek : One of a kind.
Donkey : Hi, Princess!
Princess Fiona : It talks!
Shrek : Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!
Shrek : For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey : Example?
Shrek : Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey : They stink?
Shrek : Yes... No!
Donkey : Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek : No!
Donkey : Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
Shrek : [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.
[walks off]
Donkey : Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. CAKE! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
Shrek : I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey : You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek : NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey : Parfait's may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
Shrek : That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]
Donkey : Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
Pinocchio : Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
Shrek : What?
Pinocchio : We were forced to come here!
Shrek : By who?
Little Pig : Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.
Donkey : Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek : Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help!
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