He's jolly and he's secretive and makes a few mistakes
Spoiler alert a villain comes to steal and murder
And so if I were you I wouldn't even watch one minute further
The Baudelaires' new guardian is wracked by fear and panic
They end up on a boat that might as well be the Titanic
We polled a bunch of adults 99% agree
There must be something happier on screen for you to see
The lumbermill is where the Baudelaires are forced to work
The eye doctor is sinister the owner is a jerk
They end up in a fiendish plot with logs and hypnotism
The very thought of watching should be met with skepticism