Love your family

So a couple weeks ago, I got a call from my Mom, this was weird cause she practically didn't have anything to do with me since I was 15 (She and Dad separated) and she tells me that she has lung cancer and she wasn't doing good. I'm sitting there shocked then she starts going on how sad it was that she didn't get to have memories with her children and I was mad because she had so many chances of making memories. I yelled "Well try harder to make your pathetic memories. Today I got a cal from her doctor, she was dying. Dad talked first " I'm sorry I love you,Sara, I'll see you there.." and then my brother said " Mom, I love you, thank you for always loving me." My sister was sobbing "Mommy, Don't Go! we need you!" and at this point I was crying. This woman had ditched me and yet I miss her. I said "Thanks, Mom." ( I was so sad the woman who tried to love me No she didnt try she loved me) I yelled " Dammit Dont leave me I need you Im sorry, please don't go, you mean everything to us" That's when we heard her say " I love you Yakosuko, Ercia, Eiichi and Hayoto, It's ok, spring is beautiful, the flowers are pretty, I like the March Lilies they are dead already, no?" and just like that she was gone. My mom the woman who kissed Boo-Boos, sung songs,t old the funniest stories and made the worst Mac n Cheese but we ate it cause her smile was beautiful; No one held her hand, why did this happen? why was I so cruel to her all she did was try to love her cruel son, can i even show up to her funeral, what am i supposed to say? that " Oh yeah she loved me" and sit down. Is it weird to still hear her sometimes? why am i here instead of her.