peaceful-landscape

I had Bell's Palsy some years ago. The right half of my face was paralyzed. I would get along okay dealing with it. But when people realized my face was goofed up they would start looking away and acting awkward. That bugged me. It was enough that I was dealing with the palsy, I didn't need all the funky vibes from people around me. My husband included.

But I also think the impairment itself can come into play. The trapped feeling behind having something that may never go away, or not being able to function as you normally would can be depressing. I believe other people's remarks and mannerisms can add to the bad feelings one may already have. And people don't always realize how they are treating others. That's another can of worms I guess.

Well, the impairment itself does play a role, but frankly, having an impairment myself, I experienced that when I accepted my impairment I could deal with it easily, but you know the trouble? Accepting there are things you simply can't do, and hiding behind it are two different things, and people around me were hardly able to see the difference. You can't teach a blind what "red" means, and like that there are things you cannot teach me, and which you shouldn't even bother trying, and yet everybody demanded otherwise, against all impossibility. When I came in contact with others, this issue came clear is one of the must common issues, people dealt with. Along with "good (red: bad) advice" and so on. And of course, everybody is impaired in their own way... We all have our weak sides.... Only some impairments have a bigger effect than others, and lead to bigger limitations. And when people don't know enough about them, they easily judge, based on their ignorance and then you come to the point to getting either hurt, locked out of society or maybe worse, or a combination of all that.

Yeah, a half paralyzed face can be a reason for people to act odd. When I was a boy I remember a girl one class lower than me had a port-wine stain all over her face (and when I coincidentally saw her changing at a swimming pool, I even saw she had such stains all over her entire body), and some people did "tease" (read: bully) her about that. Now frankly all I knew about her was her name (which I won't reveal for obvious reasons) and what she looked like, but now that I look back on this as a man, I wonder who the girl behind those port-wine stains was, and if she thinks she's ugly because of those stains. If she suffers, it's the bullies who made her suffer, not the stains themselves. I never saw your face for real, so it's hard for me to say how I would react if I saw you "goofed face" as you call it, but you know what it also is? Some people are aware they may hurt you and look away afraid you might think they're staring at you, and people staring at you is al well known miserable experience too. Maybe playing a devil's advocate now, but I know that people always act in the extremes in situations like these.... Perhaps that's the most important lesson humanity has to learn... How to act to impairments, illnesses, or whatever... :-/

You're not wrong. I have a hearing problem called hyperacusis. This is a permanent result of the Bell's Palsy as it affected my acoustic reflex. Sound hurts me simply put. There are many places I struggle to go to and things I struggle to do. Ear plugs are not always a help and sometimes cause me pain. I have found myself hiding behind this at times. I do try to be aware of when I am doing this. I think with what you have described in other posts here that you have a greater hurdle to jump at times. Not trying to compare, but I do see a greater difference in mine and yours, I do try to use what I have in order to relate though, because the feelings are similar.

If anything though, I have first hand experience in being on the side that gets stared at and whispered about I use that to help me in my dealings with others. I know how it feels so I do my best not to make people feel uncomfortable when I meet a person with some type of obvious issue.

My "hurdles" as you call them come from that I'm an Aspie, and the way people handled it has led to me having a multiple little traumas all merged into one big case of PTSD. Maybe that gives a kind of indication how high my hurdles were. And what makes it worse, and I know this sounds very extremely arrogant, is that I'm very intelligent and that my intelligence was rather a curse for me than a blessing. Either people don't take my intelligence seriously, or they do take it seriously, but don't understand why my intelligence didn't enable me to achieve what they expect from people with high intelligence, not realizing that intelligence alone is not enough to make it to a top career. Add a bit of bullying based on me not really being "the most beautiful man on earth" (to make it bit more stereotypical) and well, we have a bit of a few headlines of what I've been through....

I'm also a bit careful when comparing mental issues with physical issues, and what I learned over time that even two cases of the same illness/impairment/whatchamacallit does not always mean that the persons behind them suffer the same way or if that even leads to the same limitations/pains/whatever.

Now what you describe does horrify me a little. Now I am not fond of hard sound myself. They won't "hurt" me in the sense of pain, but sound can cause what I call in Dutch "overprikkeling"... a "prikkeling" is in Dutch the word used to describe how anything you sense (by any of the five senses) comes into your mind. The sound of a chopper for example drives me crazy and when in dance hall where the music volume is way too high I sometimes must rush to the toilet not to pee or anything like that, but just to escape the sound to give my brain some rest. Heavy basses can for example be such a thing that gets me nuts. I also can't stand sunlight for the same reason, so I always wear sunglasses when I'm outside. So maybe I can imagine a bit of the way you suffer, although, I am aware that my imagination cannot completely get the picture.

And yeah, being stared at and whispered about is not a fully odd experience for me. Or people who walk behind me so I can't see them mimicking me hoping to ridicule me. Something I always notice (as some people laugh about it), and yeah, I know more than anything that I am hard to convince that you accept me the way I am, and that's why I know what "staring" can do, and that people don't wanna have the feeling they are staring at you.

To state it simply, people are ignorant with no hope of gaining understanding. I recall your post where you discussed your Asperger's in comments, and I was happy that you shared. Because some of the people who behave as you describe may just see the remarks and do a little brain work on the matter.

You are right about the different suffering between physical and mental, or even emotional issues. I do have my problems that affect how I live my life and how I get along with others. You couldn't look at me and see that I may suffer underneath unless I am having a rough day. And then it usually comes across as hostile or snappish. But I am always working towards improvement.

What you say about the way certain sounds affecting you does also happen to me. I cannot describe it very well either, and this has always been even before the palsy left it's mark on my life. I have never known another person to have the same experience. I find that certain images affect me in an odd way as well. I just can't look at certain things like people sticking their tongues out for some reason makes me feel a sense of unease that I cannot put into words. This does not go for animals, just people. Say someone licking an ice cream doesn't affect me but just the tongue sticking out to be funny for some reason drives me up the wall. Other images have the same effect.

Funny you bring animals up. This reminds me of how simple animals are. I have a cat, and although I would live to have a partner again, I must sometimes say that I sometimes appreciate the company of my cat more than human company. My cat doesn't judge me for being odd. She comes to me when she wants my attention and just goes when she's got enough. I'll never forget when I got home after being in the hospital for 2 days (that was in May this year) because I had to undergo surgery to get my gall bladder removed. She was already trying to bang the front door open with her head, and when I opened it she completely went nuts out of happiness meowing constantly. I couldn't duck to pet her, but as soon as I reached the living room she jumped on my dinner table so I could pet her, and it was really heartwarming to see her this overjoyed. Perhaps the kind of love only an animal could give me... Animals don't judge you for oddities... If you are sweet to them they'll like you. If you are mean to them they'll hate you... Sometimes I wish human were that simple ;)

My Asperger was never a secret, but finding the right time to bring it up, is hard. It's good to hear I'm not alone with my sound issue either. People sticking out tongues? Did something happen in the past or is it just a feeling?

Animals are great. I have two small dogs who think I am the best thing in the world. The unconditional love is always nice, though as you say sometimes human affection and companionship is missed.

I don't know why tongues bother me much. I think it's just a feeling, but I do sometimes wonder if it could be connected to something.

Well since sticking your tongue out can be interpreted as an insult I was wondering if this happened too much to you as a sign for disapproval or anything. Especially since you say that licking an ice cream (in which no insults are intended) didn't bother you, and since animals can stick their tongue out for non-offensive reasons too (like a dog who sticks his tongue out as a weapon to fight the heath, since dogs cannot sweat). Since the tongue can also be used for erotic reasons, like french kissing or oral sex, it could also refer to bad sexual experiences or feeling sexually offended by tongues... I was just thinking...

For example I have a fear for changing cabins at swimming pools. This because in my school days something happened that might not be well to talk about on an open forum like this, but let's say it still horrifies me. So I was wondering if something happened with tongues. Then again, just having a bad feeling about certain things without a logical explanation is something not wholly unfamiliar to me. I have a kind of fear for going into natural waters, like lakes, rivers and seas... Just letting the water flow over my feet is fine, but taking a swim... no... While I don't fear swimming pools. And in the same time, nothing relaxes me more than walking on the shores of a lake or a river, looking over the water. Especially when I'm alone and nearly nobody else is there. And that's something a swimming pool can't do, I tell ya.

The idea makes perfect sense, especially since I fear water thanks to nearly drowning. I do not like closed in places because my mother held the closet door shut on me and my brother who had lured me in there for malicious reasons. Not sure if she knew what he was trying to do to me in there. I was maybe 4 or 5 when that happened. I am also very protective of my privacy, likely due to my mother intruding on every private aspect of my life. She read my diary out loud to the house on one occasion just for an example. My siblings were also always in my personal things reading letter aloud that I had written to other people, spreading my private business (such as my being a bed wetter) all over school. So I do not discount that the tongue aversion could be connected to some past experience that I have forgotten.

I cannot link what you just told me directly to tongues, but it could be connected, or indeed be to other bad things. Reading a diary out loud? That's rude! But I've heard worse stories (hard to imagine, but trust me on that one) when it comes to private matters, but I can understand this this was a horrifying experience. And yes, some traumas I had myself were about things I couldn't remember which I couldn't even understand myself until some odd things reminded me of the true incidents and then I realized those were the incidents that traumatized me. Your "tongue" thing could indeed be something you unwillingly locked away, and maybe when something "forces" you to remember happens, it may indeed turn out that you find your answers for your fear, and maybe even how to rid rid of that. It sounds odd, but I've heard of many mental issues due to forgotten things that happened in the past, but that the trauma remained.Nothing exceptional. I've heard of people being afraid of trains or cars, due to witnessing an accident that killed people when they were 2 or 3, and although they were too young to remember the accident itself at later age, the trauma remained somehow. Strange how these things happen. And unwillingly locking away memories is also rather a rule than an exception. So I'm not surprised.... As a matter of fact, there's not much odd to me when it comes to human psychology. Only how people think about it, is sometimes odd.