Holy shit!

This is a copypasta of "History of the Entire World, I Guess" by Bill Wurtz. I thought it would be funny to hear Pinkie Pie recite the entire thing from memory... or is that just me?

Hi, you're on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of it's water. F**k it, actually, most of it's water. I can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you.
H O W D I D T H I S H A P P E N ?
A long time ago... actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That's why it's been everywhere. It's been so everywhere, you don't need a "where". You don't even need a "when". That's how "every" it gets.
...
Forget this, I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. I want things to change, I want to invent time and space, and I know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. I just don't know when to start... and that's exactly where it started.
?
Woah, I paused it. I think there's a universe now. What's it made of?
Q U A R K S A N D S T U F F
Ah, that's a thing, in a place! Don't like it? Try a new place, at a different time. Try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier... but it's not empty yet. It's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
<about no seconds later>
Great news! The quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" or a "neutron", and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's still too
H O T
<about ten minutes later>
Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! Some of them even doubled up.
<about 380,000 years later>
Great news! The electrons have now joined in.
Congratulations, THE WORLD IS NOW a bunch of gas in space... but it's getting closer together...
<10 million years later>
...and it's getting closer together...
<500 million years later>
...and it's getting closer toget-
BOOM
I T ' S A S T A R
New shit just got made! Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion and make some brand new way crazier shit.
S P A C E D U S T
...which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into
E V E N C R A Z I E R S P A C E D U S T
So now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. Like this ball of flaming rock, for example...
<meteor hits Earth>
Holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks, and it kind of... made a mess, which is
N O W T H E M O O N

Weather update! It's raining rocks from outer space. Weather update! Those rocks might have had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. Weather update! Cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. Weather update! ...it's raining. Severe flooding alert! The entire world is now an ocean. Volcano alert!
T H A T 'S L A N D !
there's life in the ocean.
What?
S O M E T H I N G ' S A L I V E I N T H E O C E A N
Oh, cool! Like, a plant or an animal? No, a microscopic speck! It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever...
<microscopic speck reproduces asexually>
Oh yeah, and it can do that.
<microscopic specks reproduce asexually three more times>
It has secret instructions written inside itself, telling it how to build another one of itself. So, that's pretty nifty, I would say. Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
N O W Y O U C A N E A T S U N L I G H T
"Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food."
T A S T E T H E S U N
Side effect: Now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the Earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
It's a sponge, it's a plant, it's a worm, and some other types of weird, stranger water bugs and strange fish.
I T ' S T H E C A M B R I A N E X P L O S I O N
Wow, that's animals and stuff, but we're still in the ocean. "Hey, can we go on land?"
N O
"Why?"
T H E S U N I S A D E A D L Y L A Z E R
"Oh, okay."
<ozone layer forms>
N O T A N Y M O R E T H E R E ' S A B L A N K E T
Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, let's go on land! "Nope, can't walk yet, and there's no food yet, so I don't care."
<100 million years later>
Okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "Maybe," said some bugs, and fish.
"Eh."
"Eh."
"Eh."
<five million years later>
"Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to
H A V E B A B I E S
Idea: Learn to use an egg. "I was already doing that!" Use a stronger egg, put water in it, have a baby on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. "Works for me."
B Y E B Y E O C E A N
<50 million years later>
And now everything's huge, including bugs. Wanna see a map of the land? Sure.
<Permian extinction>
Oh, f**k, now everything's dead. Just kidding, here are the survivors. Keep your eye on this one,

because it's about to become <75 million years later>
...the dinosaurs. Here's another map of the land. Yeah, it broke apart. Don't worry about it, does that all the time. Here comes a meteor.
<boom>
A N D T H E D I N O S A U R S A R E G O N E
It's mammal time, here come the mammals. Look at those breasts. Now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff and walk. No, like, walk like that, and grab stuff at the same time, and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
"Ouch."
And set things on fire.
"Yeouch."
And make crazy sounds with their voice.
"Gneurshk."
Which can mean different things.
T H A T ' S A H U M A N P E R S O N
And now they're everywhere...almost.
I C E A G E
What? You can walk over here? Cool!
N O T A N Y M O R E
Well, I guess we're stuck here. Let's review: There's people on the planet, and they're chasing their food. "F**k it, time to plant some grass. Look at this, I get to control the food now. Now, everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because I own the food." This is great! I wonder if anyone else is doing this?
Tired of using rocks for everything? Use metal! It's underground. Better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
G U E S S W H A T H A P P E N S N E X T ?
More food, and more people who came to buy the food. Now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales, and now you need house for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.
S O C I E T Y
Coming soon to a dank river valley near you! Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? Tired of using lame, sad metal? Introducing:
B R O N Z E
Made from special ingredient: Tin, from the far lands of Tin Land. I don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. Also, guess what?
E G Y P T
Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Now we're getting somewhere. Also...
C H I N A
And did I mention...
I N D U S R I V E R V A L L E Y C I V I L I Z A T I O N
<Society count: 5 ... Mesopotamia, Egypt, China, Indus Valley Civilization, Norte Chico>
N O R T E C H I C O
The Middle East is getting more complicated. Maybe because it's in the middle of the East. Knock knock

er, clop clop, it's the people with the... horses, and they made an empire, and then everyone else copied their horses.
G R E E K S
Ah, look, it must be the Greeks... er, a beta version of the Greeks. Let's check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization... they're gone. Guess who's not gone?
C H I N A
N E W A R R I V A L S I N I N D I A M A Y B E I T W A S T H O S E H O R S E P E O P L E I W A S T A L K I N G A B O U T O R T H E I R C O U S I N S O R S O M E T H I N G A N D T H E Y W R O T E S O M E H Y M N S A N D M A N T R A S A N D S T U F F
You could make a religion out of this.
There's the Bronze Age collapse.
N O W T H E P H O E N I C I A N S C A N G E T D O W N T O B U S I N E S S
Also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? Thanks. Look who came back to Israel: It's the twelve tribes of Israel.
A N D T H E Y B E L I E V E I N G O D
Just one, though. He's got, like, a ten step program.
Here's some huge heads, must be the Olmecs. The Phoenicians make some colonies. The Greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. Here comes the Assyrian Empire. Never mind, it's the Babyloni- Media-
I T ' S T H E P E R S I A N E M P I R E
Wow, that's big.
<ding>
Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened! "Who's the Buddha?" This guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. You could make a religion out of this!
Oops, China just broke, but while it was breaking, Confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
Ah, the Greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff, and right over here, Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian Empire. It's a great idea, he was great... and now he's dead. Hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
Knock knock, it's Chandragupta. He says "Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants? Okay, thanks, bye."
T I M E T O C O N Q U E R A L L O F I N D I A

Or...
M O S T O F I N D I A
But what about this part? That's the Tamil Kings, no-one conquers the Tamil Kings. Who are the Tamil Kings?
M E R C H A N T S P R O B A B L Y A N D T H E Y ' V E G O T S P I C E S
"Who would like to buy the spices?" "Me!" said the Arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
Hey, China put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. Actually, they have three main philosophies.
<Confucianism: Have good morals>
<Taoism: Go with the flow>
<Legalism: F**k you, obey the law>
Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
<ransacking intensifies>
Let's check the Greekification levels of the Greekified kingdoms. GREEKIFICATION OVERLOAD! "Bye," said the Parthians. "Bye," said the Jews. "Hi," said the Parthians, taking over the entire place. "Heeeeey" said the Romans, eating the entire Mediterranean for breakfast. "Thanks for invading our homeland," said the Jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
"Hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. You could make a religion out of this!
Want silk? Now you can buy it from China. They just made a
B R A N D N E W R O A D T O T H E W O R L D
<slow conquering of Vietnam>
Or you can
G E T T H E R E O N W A T E R
"Sick! New trade routes!" said India, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. Hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
There goes Buddhism, travelling up the Silk Road. I wonder if it will reach China before it collapses again?
<China breaks>
Remember the Persian Empire? "Yep," said the Persians, making a new one. Axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. Has anyone populated Madagascar yet? Let's do it together!
C H I N A I S W H O L E A G A I N
T H E N I T B R O K E A G A I N
Still can't cross the Sahara Desert? Try camels.
H E L L Y E A H N O W W E ' V E G O T B U S I N E S S
...said the Ghana Empire, selling lots of gold... and slaves.
"Hi, I'm live in the Roman Empire, and I was wondering...
I S L O V I N G J E S U S L E G A L Y E T
"No."
"Actually, okay, sure," said Constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his
M A I N R I V A L
Don't worry about Rome, it won't fall.
I T ' S T H E G O L D E N A G E O F I N D I A

There's the Gupta Empire, not Chandragupta, just Gupta... first name Chandra... the First.
Guess who's in Rome?
B A R B A R I A N S
What's a barbarian? "Non-Romans," said the Romans, being invaded by non-Romans. R.I.P. Roman Empire... actually, just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in Rome anymore, so let's give it a new name.
T H E M A Y A N S H A V E F I G U R E D O U T T H E S T A R S
Oh, and here's a huge city. Population: Everyone. The Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian steppe. Great job, Göktürks. How's India? Broken. How's China?
B A C K T O G E T H E R
How's those trading kingdoms?
B I G G E R A N D T H E R E ' S M O R E O F T H E M
Korea has three kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom, it's the Sunrise Kingdom.
<intermission>
Deep in the Arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real God whispers in Muhammad's ear. So, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and tells them their gods are all fake, and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. You could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
The Roman empire is long gone, but somehow, the Pope is still the Pope. Plus, there's
N E W K I N G D O M S A L L O V E R E U R O P E
I wonder if there is room for Moors?
Here's all the wisdom in a house. It's the Baghdad House of Wisdom, just in time for the
I S L A M I C G O L D E N A G E
"Let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the Swahili on the Swahili Coast," said the Swahili on the Swahili Coast.
Remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? Someone owns that now!
Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe, and the Pope is so proud that he invites the King over for Christmas. "Surprise! You're the new Roman Emperor!" said the Pope, pretending to still be part of the Roman Empire. Then, the Franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called France and not-France.
The Northerners, or just "Norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. They go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. Two types of land, and they name them accordingly.
<P R A N K D>
They also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "Vikings". There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus. Are they Vikings? "I don't think so," said the Kievan Rus. Okay, fair enough.

The Pope is ready to make some more emperors of the Roman Empire: The Holy Roman Empire. It's actually Germany, but don't worry about it.
New kingdoms!
C H R I S T I A N I Z E A L L T H E K I N G D O M S
Which brand would you like?
"Mine's better."
"Mine's better."
"Mine's better."
"Time to conquer England," said William.
It's a bird, it's a plane!
I T ' S T H E S E L J U K T U R K S
"Aah!" said the Byzantine Empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "We need help!" They need help, so they call the Pope. "Hey Pope, can you help us get rid of the Seljuks, maybe take back the Holy Land on the way? C'mon, I know you want to take back the Holy Land." "Yes, I do actually want to do that. Let's do a Crusade."
C R U S A D E
They did many Crusades, some of which almost didn't fail, but at least the Italians got some sweet trade deals.
Goodbye Mayans.
H E L L O T O L T E C S
Goodbye Toltecs.
H E L L O M I S S I S S I P P I
Look at those mounds.
There's the Pueblo. I always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
Guess who's here? Khmer. Where? Here, and Pagan is there. Vietnam unconquered itself, Korea just became itself, and Japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. China just invented bombs and typing, and the Mongols just invaded most of the Universe. Nice going, Genghis! I bet that will last a long time.
<Mongolian empire breaks>
Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected by the Mongol invasions because they were busy invading India.
Is it Tonga time? I think it's Tonga time.
<Tu'i Tonga Empire colonization>
I just found out where the Swahili gets all their gold. Look at this chad! It means "lake". There's an empire there, right in the middle of
A F R I C A

The King of Mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "Wow, that guy's rich," everyone said.
The Christians are doing a great job reconquering Iberia, which will soon be called Spain and not-Spain. Please remain Christian, we will check in later to see if you are still Christian when you least expect it.
Whoops, half of Europe just died.
M I N G
China's back, yay!
Hey, Khmer, time to share. New kingdoms, here and there. Oh, look who controls all the islands, it's the Mahajapit.
<BZZZ>
Majahapit.
<BZZZ>
Mapajahit.
<BZZZ>
Mahapajit.
<BZZZ>
Mapajahit.
<BZZZ>
Ma... ja... pa... hit?
<correct>
Oh, Italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. It's kinda like a rebirth. Here's a printer, let's make books!
So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire? "Yep," said the Ottoman Turks. Nice job, Ottoman Turks. Oops, you missed a spot. Don't forget to ban Europe from the Indian spice trade. "What? That's bullshit!" said Portugal, spiceless.
W E L L I G U E S S W E ' L L H A V E T O F I N D A N O T H E R W A Y T O I N D I A

"Wait!" said Christopher Columbus, probably smoking crack. "If the world is round, let's go this way to India!" "Nah, don't worry, we already got this," said Portugal. So, Chris goes to Spain. "Hey Spain, wanna hire me to find India by going around back of the world?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No." "wtf"
"Please?"
"...okay."
So he sails into the ocean and discovers... more ocean, and then discovers the Indies and Japan! Let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
The Aztec and Inca empires are off to a great start. I wonder if they know that Europe just discovered their continent.
The Habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
Move over, Lithuania, here comes Moscow. Ivan wants to make Russia great again. Move over, Timurids, maybe go invade India or something. Persia just made Persia Persian again. Let's make it the other kind of Islam, the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy.
"Hey Christians, do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of Hell!" "That's bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that's a scam, f**k the Church, here's 95 reasons why," said Martin Luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.
"You know what would be magnificent?" said Suleiman, wearing an onion hat. "What if the Ottoman Empire was... really big?" which it is now. "What if Russia was big?" said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.
Portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire Indian Ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. And Spain realized that this is not India, but they pillaged it anyway. "Damn," said England and France, "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." Then the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to Amsterdam. "Damn," said Amsterdam, "...we gotta start pillaging some stuff."
Question one: Can you get to India through North America? No, but at least there's beaver. Question two: Steal the spice trade. That's not a question, but the Dutch did it anyway.
S U G A R

Guess where all the sugar is made? In Brazil... stolen! In the Caribbean, and it's so go***mn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
The next thing on Russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
Britain and France are having a friendly discussion about who should control the world, more specifically, Ohio. Then, it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving Prussia a chance to show Austria who's boss. But, what about Britain and France, did they figure out who's boss? Yes, they did, it's Britain. Guess who's broke? Also Britain. So, they start taxing the hell out of America. "F**k you!" said America, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and France helps them win. Now, France is broke, and Britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
Wait, if France is broke, why do the King and Queen still wear such fancy dresses? "Let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said Robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. You can make a reli-
No, don't.
Haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "Why didn't we think of this before?"
Wait, who's in charge of France now?
M E
Said Napoleon, trying to take over Europe. Luckily, they banished him to an island.
B U T H E C A M E B A C K
Luckily, they banished him to another island.
There goes Latin America, becoming independent in the Latin American wars of independence.
Britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make
M A N Y D I F F E R E N T T Y P E S O F M A C H I N E S A N D F A C T O R I E S W I T H M A C H I N E S I N T H E M S O T H E Y C A N M A K E A L O T O F P R O D U C T S R E A L F A S T

Then they invent some trains and conquer India, and maybe put some trains there. "Hey, China!" said Britain, "buy stuff from us!" "Nah dude, we already got everything," says China, so Britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then China made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea, so Britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
Britain and Russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering Afghanistan. Also,
T H E S U L T A N O F O M A N L I V E S I N Z A N Z I B A R N O W
That's just where he lives.
India just had a revolution and they would like to govern themselves now. "Nope," said Britain, governing them even harder than before.
<incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE>
T E C H N O L O G Y I S A B O U T T O G O C R A Z Y
The United States finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. It's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the Mexicans too.
"I know, let's rape Africa!" said Europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.
T H E Y N E V E R G O T E T H I O P I A
Britain and France are still hungry.
T H E Y N E V E R G O T T H A I L A N D

"Hi, I'm Gandhi, and if Britain doesn't get the hell out of India, I'm going to starve myself in public."
<Britain leaves>
"Wow, that worked?"
Bonus, now there's Pakistan. Actually, two Pakistans. One of them can be Bangladesh later.
The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "Me!" they both said at the same time. Let's divide up the lands so we're both happy.
S I K E ! T H E Y B O T H G E T A N G R I E R
Look out, China! There's a new China in China! What's on the menu? Communism! "No thanks," said the other China, escaping to an island. I wonder which one is the real China?
There's the Korean War, Korea vs. Korea! Nobody wins, then it's on pause forever. Let's meet the sponsors. Oh, it's the two global superpowers. They're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of Satan.
And they both have atom bombs.
FIGHT!
Wait, no, that would be the end of the world. Let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead... and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "I'll race you to space!"
<Russia puts a satellite in orbit>
<United States puts a flag on the moon>
Now let's make some more countries fight themselves.
Europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged, so here's a new map with new countries. Now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.
The United States finally decided whether racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad and the world agrees. South Africa might need another minute to think about it.

Let's check the world population!
<huge exponential rise>
Woah.
Okay.
Technology's better too, that might keep happening.
The Soviet Union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart.
Europe makes a union so now they can all use the same money, except Britain, because they don't feel like it.
Let's check the mail. Surprise, it's on the computer!
Whoops, someone just attacked America, I bet they'll remember that.
Phone call. Surprise, it's in your pocket! Wanna learn everything? Surprise, it's on the computer! Now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket!
Whoops, the economy just crashed. Don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to.
Surprise! Flying robots... with bombs!
<bin Laden gets bombed>
Wanna print a brain?
Some people have no friends. Some people have no food. The globe is warming.
A N D T H E O C E A N I S F U L L O F P L A S T I C
"Let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how.
"Let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. That's pretty cool.
By the way, where the hell are we?
THANKS FOR WATCHING HISTORY
I HOPE I MENTIONED EVERYTHING