Calling

You bumbling, feckless imbecile. You cad. You fool. You ruiner. Hear me now, for I am most upset with you. Your inept insurrection has caused me great harm. For this, I blame you. While I under-stand you have reason to defeat the naga menace, I want you to know my claim against them would have been complete by now if it wasn't for your clumsy interference. I have already defeated their standing army, and just as I was about to finish off my vengeance, I was stopped because they claimed I am unofficially part of YOUR silly fighting force. I was pulled from battle and forced to defend myself like some unwashed criminal off the street. And despite my victory during their kangaroo court, I was still whisked away and placed in a penalty stasis for some time. And to add further insult, once I was returned to finish my work, I arrived to find YOUR ARMY pitifully and limply attempting to do what I should already have done. You and your cadre of nitwits do not know what you're doing. SHE WAS MY MOTHER, AND IT IS MY RIGHT TO EXACT VENGEANCE AGAINST THE NAGA. I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THESE ARE THE OWNERS OF THE VILE DRAMA WHICH CAUSED MY MOTHER'S DEATH. THE SULTANA IS MY ENEMY BEFORE SHE IS YOURS. YOU ATTACKING HER NOW WITH A GROUP OF IGNORAMUS SLUGS WILL DO NOTHING BUT FORCE HER INTO HIDING. IF SHE HIDES, NEITHER OF US WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE. DONUT WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THIS FLOOR. I HAD THIS, AND YOU HAVE RUINED MY PLANS. AGAIN. YOU ARE ALWAYS RUINING MY PLANS. YOU RUIN EVERYTHING, AND THIS TIME I DO NOT FORGIVE YOU. THERE WILL BE NO MORE WARM HUGS FROM ME. YOU ARE BANNED! SO HELP ME IF SHE GETS AWAY, I WILL HOLD YOU AC-COUNTABLE. I SPIT! I SPIT IN YOUR EYE

Hello? Hello hello?
Uh, I wanted to record a message for you, to help you get settled in on your first night. Um, I actually worked in that office before you, I’m finishing up my last week now as a matter of fact. So, I know it can be a bit overwhelming, but I’m here to tell you there’s nothing to worry about, Uh, you’ll do fine. So, let’s just focus on getting you through your first week, okay?

Uh, let’s see, first there’s an introductory greeting from the company, that I’m supposed to read. Uh, it’s kind of a legal thing, you know.

Um, “Welcome to Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, a magical place for kids and grown-ups alike, where fantasy and fun come to life. Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for damage to property or person. Upon discovering that damage or death has occurred, a missing person report will be filed within 90 days, or as soon property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached, and the carpets have been replaced.” Blah blah blah.

Now that might sound bad, I know. But, there’s really nothing to worry about.

Uh, the animatronic characters here, do get a bit quirky at night, but do I blame them? No. If I were forced to sing those same stupid songs for twenty years and I never got a bath? I’d probably be a bit irritable at night too. So, remember, these characters hold a special place in the hearts of children and we need to show them a little respect, right? Okay.

So, just be aware, the characters do tend to wander a bit. Uh, they’re left in some kind of free roaming mode at night, uh, something about their servos locking up if they get turned off for too long? Uh, they used to be allowed to walk around during the day too, but then there was The Bite of ’87. Yeah. I-It’s amazing that the human body can live without the frontal lobe, you know?

Uh, now concerning your safety. The only real risk to you as a night watchman here, if any, is the fact that these characters, uh, if they happen to see you after hours probably won’t recognize you as a person. They’ll pr-They’ll most likely see you as a metal endoskeleton without its costume on. Now, since that’s against the rules here at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, they’ll probably try to…forcefully stuff you inside a Freddy Fazbear suit. Um, now, that wouldn’t be so bad, if the suits themselves weren’t filled with crossbeams, wires, and animatronic devices. Especially around the facial area. So you could imagine how having your head forcefully pressed inside one of those could cause a bit of discomfort, and death. Uh, the only parts of you that would likely see the light of day again would be your eyeballs and teeth when they pop out the front of the mask. Heh. Yeah, they don’t tell you these things when you sign up.

But hey, first day should be a breeze. I’ll chat with you tomorrow. Uh, check those cameras, and remember to close the doors only if absolutely necessary. Gotta conserve power. Alright, good night.

Bring your chin down to protect your neck while continuing to stare in his eyes. Bring up your hands and say "I don't want no trouble ya hear". Flex your traps and core. Slightly bend your knees.

Here comes the important part. In a low voice begin to say "wolowolowolowolowolo" slowly increasing in volume. He should be surprised by now. Begin to sway side to side and loosen all facial muscles and your anal sphincter and your kegal muscle. By now you should be pretty loud and your opponent will have stepped back and appear visibly shaken.

Begin to piss and shit yourself and let your eyes roll to the back of your head. By now, you're chanting "WOLOWOLOWOLOWOLO" at the top of your lungs.

He will run away. Everyone within a one mile radius will feel a terrifying presence within their soul.

Marvel as you ascend into your planar form.