This Isn’t a Cursed Comments Post, and Somehow It’s Worse
Oh my God. What the f**k is this? “This isn’t a cursed comments post and I’ve hit 4.5k followers 🥺❤️” Brother, we know. We can see that it isn't a cursed comments post. You have personally informed us, apparently because the 4,500 people who followed you for cursed comments were all struck simultaneously by amnesia and needed a reminder that this is, in fact, a celebration post. You have reached 4.5k followers. Congratulations. You have successfully gathered 4,500 people into one place and then decided the appropriate reward for their loyalty was not a cursed comment. This is like going to a pizza restaurant, ordering a pizza, and the waiter walks out carrying a framed photograph of the restaurant's founder and says, “Before we begin, I'd like to announce that we have reached 4,500 customers.” Nobody f**king asked. I followed this account because I wanted to see somebody comment “would” underneath a photograph of an amphibian. I wanted the internet's most chemically unstable sentences. I wanted screenshots that make me stare at my phone for thirty seconds before whispering, “What the f**k.” Instead, I have been summoned to attend a corporate shareholder meeting. “Guys we hit 4.5k followers!!! 🥳🎉” Okay. And? What do you want me to do? Stand up? Clap? Sing? Do you need me to write a five-paragraph reflection on your journey? Should I call your parents? Should we cut a ribbon? Do you want the mayor? Because I'm sorry, but I did not follow a cursed comments page to become emotionally invested in the quarterly earnings report. The funniest part is the disclaimer. “This isn’t a cursed comments post.” YES. WE F**KING NOTICED. There is no need to label the absence of cursed comments like you're issuing a weather warning. “This is not a cursed comments post.” Correct. This is a cursed comments page experiencing a complete and catastrophic failure to produce cursed comments. The irony is almost impressive. You have created a cursed comments account where the most cursed comment is the account owner saying, “Guys, look how many followers I have.” That is the actual cursed comment. And 4.5k? Brother. 4.5k is not the milestone you think it is. You are talking like you just hit 10 million subscribers and received a personal phone call from the President. “Guys... I never thought we'd make it this far.” YOU HAVE FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED FOLLOWERS. There are high school cafeterias with more people in them. Th
