First World Problems

I dread the thought of waking up for my morning Uncle Bob fix and seeing a 404 Not Found error on my screen. Uncle Bob's Time Out is my source for late lactating news before the herd moos and moves. Where will I find secrets outsourced from the Dark Web? I feel like a crippled cockroach about to be squashed under the grinding steel rim of a wheelchair. I'm so hinkily crappizzled, I think I'll dunk my head in a pot of cheddar fondue and smash sesame seed crackers on my face, then lie down on my lawn like an oversized hors d'oeuvre.