1. Dusty Crophopper
Guy: “Welcome our first contestant—Dusty Crophopper!”
Dusty descends from the ceiling like he paid extra for a theatrical entrance.
A Minecraft Creaking spawns beside him, snarling.
Guy: “Sir please do NOT summon creatures on the stage—”
Dusty: “Relax, Guy. He’s just here for emotional support. And crowd intimidation.”
Guy: “That is… explicitly not allowed—”
Dusty: “Anyway! I’m here to win. Should be easy. I mean—have you seen the competition?”
He gestures broadly to the backstage area.
Dusty: “Half of them look like they were assembled at a garage sale.”
Guy: “Dusty, those are sentient beings—”
Dusty: “Sentient doesn’t mean relevant. Next question.”
The Creaking knocks over a light. Dusty pretends he didn’t see it.
Security ushers him away.
2. Parcelboy
A pile of boxes waddles out.
Guy: “Parcelboy! How are you feeling?”
Parcelboy: “I HAVE A MYSTERY BOX FOR YOU.”
Guy: “Please— I can’t legally accept—”
Parcelboy: “Too late!”
He tosses it. It explodes into a shower of forks.
Guy: “WHY—”
Parcelboy: “Don’t ask me, ask the parcel gods. Anyway, I’m excited! I brought like 14 surprise packages for the Games.”
Guy: “You can’t bring—”
Parcelboy: “Shh. Let me have something.”
He leans into the mic.
Parcelboy: “Audience… who wants free dangerous items?”
The crowd screams. Guy nearly faints.
3. Stormy
Stormy strolls in confidently, waving to the crowd.
Guy: “Stormy! What’s your strategy?”
Stormy: “Guy, my man, my dude—my whole strategy is not dying.”
Guy: “That is… yes. That is the general goal.”
Stormy: “Also I have a fully legal firearm.”
He pulls it out.
Guy: “PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN—”
Stormy: “Relax. I have excellent trigger discipline.”
He immediately drops it. It misfires into the rafters.
Guy: “SECURITY!!”
4. Biowaffe-1917
The crowd goes silent when he appears.
Guy: “…S-so. Biowaffe. What are you looking forward to?”
Biowaffe: “MISSION… PARAMETERS… UNKNOWN.”
Guy: “Right. And, um… hobbies? Interests?”
Biowaffe: (long stare) “ELIMINATION.”
Guy: “Of who?”
Biowaffe: “YES.”
He stalks offstage to thunderous, terrified applause.
5. Spy
Spy appears in Guy’s chair.
Guy: “HOW DID— I WAS SITTING THERE—”
Spy: “You were. But you were also in my way.”
Guy: “Fine—Spy, what is your angle coming into the Games?”
Spy: “Mon ami… I have already won. I simply have not collected the prize yet.”
Guy: “That makes no sense.”
Spy: “Good.”
He disappears before Guy can dismiss him
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