Harry Potter is moving to the small screen with a streaming series on HBO Max — but with some much-needed changes. Everyone knows Snape is now black, but here are nine other changes coming to HBO's Harry Potter series:
Dumbledore will be a bitter old man on an island who says "It's time for Hogwarts to end": He will also refuse to teach anyone, rendering his position as Headmaster of Hogwarts pointless and ruining the previous portrayal of his character.
Each episode will open with a lengthy trigger warning explaining that the original source material was written before non-binary people existed and is a product of its time: You can now enjoy the show guilt-free. Almost.
Every five minutes, one of the actors will turn to the camera and denounce JK Rowling's views on trans people: So brave.
Wizards Chess will be updated to Wizards Catan: Ron will trade sheep for brick, allowing Harry to move on to the next challenge.
A rootin' and tootin' new American character named Hamburger McGunshots makes his debut in episode two: He wears a cowboy hat and calls Quidditch "witch soccer."
Instead of potions class, Snape will teach the kids to make puberty blockers: Practical.
The spell "reparo" will now provide reparations to marginalized groups: It's arguably the wokest of Harry's new spells.
The Weasleys will be executed and their land confiscated by the South African government: Justice will be served.
Not a change, but Voldemort will remain a white-skinned male: Because evil is always evil.
