Dear Squire Williamson, I trust this letter finds you in the most felicitous of circumstances, enjoying good health, respectable

Dear Squire Williamson, I trust this letter finds you in the most felicitous of circumstances, enjoying good health, respectable company, and the gentle comforts of domestic tranquillity. However, I must regrettably intrude upon your repose with tidings of a most disconcerting and, indeed, perilous nature. It has come to my attention—through means which, for reasons of discretion and national interest, must regrettably remain undisclosed—that a certain malevolent party, whose character one can only describe as most lamentably lacking in both moral fibre and gentlemanly decency, has perpetrated an act of truly unconscionable audacity. To wit: said scoundrel has clandestinely deposited within the bounds of your personal mail receptacle—that humble ironclad sentinel of handwritten sentiment and unpaid utility bills—a most unwholesome device, commonly referred to in modern parlance as a "pipe bomb." Now, I do not make such declarations lightly, for the implications are as grave as the Tower ravens are numerous. This infernal instrument, comprised no doubt of various metallic and chemical components unbecoming to any respectable parlour, is designed—nay, engineered—with the express purpose of erupting in a violent and most undignified fashion, potentially causing grievous harm to your person, your property, and most egregiously, your reputation among the neighbours. Permit me, therefore, to entreat you in the strongest possible terms to exercise the utmost caution. I implore you not to approach the aforementioned receptacle, nor to permit any curious pets, relations, or door-to-door evangelists to linger in its vicinity. One cannot be too careful in such trying times, especially where one’s limbs and morning tea schedule are concerned. I have taken the liberty of informing the appropriate constabulary, who, one hopes, shall soon dispatch a gentleman of bomb-disposal persuasion to defuse the situation with all due haste and aplomb. Until then, I recommend a brisk walk in the gardens, a glass of sherry, and some quiet reflection upon the ever-fragile nature of civility in a world teetering upon the edge of modernity and chaos. May fortune favour your continued un-explodedness. With the sincerest of regards and a distinct sense of alarm, Sir Reginald P. Featherstone, OBE, Esq.