to you this is replying to some random mf on a meme site but to me this is my whole world right now. all my thought and energy is going into right now. I'm unstable. I need something to talk to something to hold onto
and that's the funny thing. tomorrow I'll be tiptop haha I'm gonna be my regular old self and its like this never happened. like I never felt this way. during the day I barely even think about anything except for what I'm currently doing
But thats the weird part. I don't know. I enjoy talking to you but I'm not sure the enjoyment is the sole purpose I'm talking. I feel care for you tho for talking to me. like I genuinely feel positive feeling towards you.
Everything I've said was honest though. I'm not speaking through my mind or my heart. I'm literally just speaking through my mouth. I'm just talking and coming up with words along the way
I don't have any inner demons or any real physical issue. I literally just have myself and the pursuit of finding why do I do this and why do I act like this
I feel like I've never been to focused on the future or the past. only the moment but right now I'm reviewing my moments I usually forget about and ignore and questioning it unbiasedly
Its a long story of how I got hear from there but every now and again at night I just feel clear. usually I'm blissfully ignorant but right now I, looking at everything I've went through and thinking what the f**k
IDK IF I'M A GOOD PERSON OR NOT. IDK A LOT OF THINGS. I'M A WALKING F**KING MYSTERY TO MYSELF. I UNDERSTAND MY BEHAVIOR. I UNDERSTAND WHAT I WANT BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THE THINGS I DO. I'M A CLEAR F**KING ATTENTION ADDICT I GET THAT BUT WHY? I WASN'T NEGLECTED. I WASN'T ABUSED. I DIDN'T ENDURE ANY MISFORTUNES TO MAKE ME LIKE THAT. I ALSO AM JUST F**KING SELFISH. I JUST DON'T GIVE A F**K ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE IF I HAVE A GOAL IN MIND. I STOP CARING IF THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT. I ONLY RECOGNIZE HOW F**KED UP WHAT I DID WAS WHEN I'M DONE. I ALSO ALMOST FEEL F**KING HIGH FROM SADNESS OR ANGER. WHEN I'M ANGRY I'M AN UNREASONABLE SENSITIVE F**K AND I ALWAYS WANT TO HIT SOMETHING BUT FOR SOME REASON NEVER WANT TO HIT A PERSON, BUT I FEEL INVIGORATED. ENGAGED. POWERFUL. AND SOMETIMES MY MEDICINE MAKES ME FEEL IN A DARK PLACE WHERE I FEEL ALONE FROM THE WORLD WITH MY THOUGHTS BUT I LIKE THIS DARK PLACE. I FEEL COLD, ORGANIZED, CONFIDENT, ANGRY, SAD, AND ALMOST EUPHORIC. F**KING YAP. I'M SORRY.
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