z: *ahem* Ah, the absolute gall—the unmitigated stupidity—of someone using “were” instead of “where.” What unholy corner of the universe spawns such a crime against language? Were they dropped on their head as a child? Did their brain go on strike? Or are they simply so lazy, so catastrophically indifferent to the very fabric of communication, that they cannot be bothered to distinguish between two words as blindingly, screamingly obvious as these?
“Were,” for God’s sake, is a verb—a verb! A critical piece of grammar that holds together sentences like duct tape on a sinking ship. It conveys the past tense, the subjunctive, the plural existence of things! And then you have “where,” a question, a location, a point of reference. It’s as if someone looked at a hammer and thought, “Oh, this must be a screwdriver,” and then proceeded to ruin everything they touched.
And don’t give me that “autocorrect” excuse. No. That’s the whimpering defense of someone who doesn’t have the backbone to own their mistakes. Autocorrect is a scapegoat for people too lazy, too reckless, or too downright stupid to reread their own drivel. What are you doing? Just typing away like some drunk monkey, hurling nonsense into the void? Have you no pride? No dignity?
Imagine the sheer audacity of not caring. Imagine the arrogance required to assault the English language with such flagrant disregard for its rules, its history, its soul. It’s a desecration, a desecration, I tell you, of everything Shakespeare and Dickens and everyone else worth their ink stood for. You might as well spit on a thesaurus. Hell, set it on fire while you’re at it. You clearly weren’t planning to use it.
Look—look—I’m not asking for a Nobel Prize in linguistics here. Just some baseline competence, a modicum of respect for words! But no, here you come, swaggering into the room with your “were” instead of “where,” like the drunk uncle at a wedding, spilling wine on the bride. It’s embarrassing. It’s infuriating. It’s tragic.
So here’s a toast—to all the people who manage to not butcher the basics. May your coffee be strong, your autocorrect accurate, and your patience endless. And to the “were/where” offenders out there? Get it together. I beg you. No—I demand it. Or else I’m switching to interpretive dance. At least there, I won’t have to deal with this utter madness.
