don't read it if you don't want to.

I keep fantasizing about what would happen if I commited suicide and it's scaring me, because I don't want people to hurt because I couldn't hold it together, but I feel like I'm being annoying by venting, and I just constantly feel like I'm ruining people's lives to the point where I feel like they won't miss me, and I'm sick of hurting, nothing is getting better. I'm still f**king worried about what my ex thinks, and I'm scared pollo doesn't like me as much as he says bc WHO F**KING KNOWS?? Politics are also scaring me a lot, my legs are covered in scars and I don't like them, I keep living in fear that I'm gonna lose all my friends, and the worst part is, I feel like none of this shit matters, because I'm just whining like a little bitch about every day life shit and some of you guys are truly suffering with abuse and things. Not to mention the way some of who were meant to be the most important people in my life made me feel so insignifigant (my mom and my ex) to them and that f**king hurts, I don't wanna feel like I'm at the mercy of them, especially my f**king ex, I can't get his stupid, toxic ass outta my head, and I'm even questioning whether or not he was actually toxic or he had every right to wanna leave me when I was questioning my gender, or yapping endlessly about my bullshit interests, maybe he had every right to make fun of me, I DON'T F**KING KNOW, THE SAME APPLIES TO MY MOM. WAS SHE RIGHT? IS MY IDENTITY NOT REAL? AM I JUST A F**KING IDIOT, I CAN'T TELL!! I'm so f**king scared, and confused and anxious, I don't wanna be alone, I don't wanna feel so small, I don't wanna F**KING BE HERE! I HATE THIS.

lets talk throug(however you spell it, going __ a tunnel) this,
trust me, you arn't anoying, i think its brave how you are telling this to other people.
awhile back i broke up with my ex, well... they broke up with me and went to someone else.
this devistated me for months. far longer than i was with them.
i find that in time i worked things out with myself; i stopped thinking abount what would happen if they came back to me (i would try and enact a sort of revenge) but this just poisioned me.
something that helped me with this was music, spesificly twenty one pilots. on the surface they have some depressing themes but there is deeper lore behind these themes. it tells the listener to keep living on, to persist, and rebel against their world's religion; vialism: where the ultimate goal is for one to killiam themself.
this is a serious thing to whine abount. you are truly suffering right now. you need to accsept this.
you need to regect the thought of being at their mercy and maybe confront them abount how they make you feel.
time is on your side. you have tons of it left, dont let it go to waste on a ex. go do something you enjoy; i personaly am taking a sub optimal choice of game development because my ex is way better than me at coding.
enough abount me.
also true identity takes tim to figure out. you may have it now, but you cant be entirely sure till you figure out you were right in the future
feel free to talk to me more abount this.

You sound like a lot of fun
Genuinely, you're probably not fine.

Yknow. You're a great person. No matter what happens. At your core, you're amazing no matter what. If things are bad, I believe that if you surround yourself in people you care about, you can do it. This is just a bad blip in what will be an amazing and fufilling life for you. It swill be okay.