So, I crack open a Red Bull, thinking it’s gonna turn me into some kind of superhuman. Big. F**king. Mistake.
I hop on my skateboard like I’m about to pull off the most epic shit. I’m flying down the street, thinking I’m invincible, when I decide to launch off the curb like a go***mn ape.
And then? I slam into a woman in a f**king wheelchair so hard, I swear I sent her to a parallel universe. She doesn’t even flinch—just keeps rolling away like it’s another day in the hospice. Meanwhile, I’m on the ground, completely dazed, trying to process what the f**k just happened.
And here’s the kicker: As I’m lying there, all sprawled out like a broken mess, I realize something’s weird… I f**king orgasmed all over her. Like, I don’t even know how, but in that moment of complete chaos, my body just decided to give me the most unexpected, weirdly timed jizz shot of my life. I’m lying there, covered in asphalt, thinking, What the actual f**k just happened?
So yeah, Red Bull gives you wings… but it also turns you into Tony hawk the vegetable cumming sex offender. I’m never touching that shit again… but let’s be honest, I’ll probably be chugging that shit again tomorrow.
