say this:

I was about 9 or 10, and I was sitting on my couch with my brand new blue iPod 5th generation watching youtube videos. I was also an avid fan of Arthur at the time (a great kid's TV show by the way), and I remember thinking to myself on the couch wondering if there was Arthur sex online, so I typed that shit in. I was instantly horny, and I didn't even look at the pictures yet. I clicked the dirtiest title for my needs, and there it was... DW was scissoring Muffy like she was a f**king art project, and Arthur was fingering that bitch Francine like a booger was stuck in his nose. I wished I was Buster because I would've busted a nut and glazed Fern like an Ikea cinnamon roll. After a long session of gazing at Buster's mom Bitzi Baxter being flung into the air and landing perfectly on Bionic Bunny's cock 17 times, I finally had enough. I needed a new fix, and that fix was to look for sex fiction. I finally came across (no pun intended) an interesting title, "Arthur has been caught," so, I started to read, but as I scrolled through page by page, it slowly took a dark turn. The next thing I know, Arthur is f**king his dad ferociously in the upstairs room. I couldn't believe it! That's when Arthur's mom bursts in the room and exclaims, "What's all this noi-" Arthur's mom stood there frozen, horrified at the sight of what she has witnessed. "Arthur! David! how could you do this?!" Arthur and his dad just sat there in so much shock that Arthur couldn't control his ejaculation. The force of his cum sent him propelling into the air at approximately 167.2 miles per hour, totally obliterating his dad's rectal cavity, cum blasting through his whole body, and finally exploding at the top of his head, sending cum, fecal, and brain matter all over the walls. Before I could read the last bit of the story, my mom comes into the room. I wasn't supposed to be on my iPod, so with an embarrassing look on my face, I tried hiding it, but she already caught me. My mom said, "You're not supposed to be on your iPod! Also, what are you watching there?" I still had the story on screen, so instinctually, I switched over to a random porn tab I had opened from a week ago, and showed it to her. My mom then said, "Oh well, at least you weren't reading a gay sex Arthur fiction." That's the end of my tale.

later, i'm bouta hit her with the ultimate showdown lyrics

Testicle rats. You’ve dropped a phrase so unsettling that it feels like it shouldn’t exist in the English language, and yet here we are, staring it dead in the face like some kind of biological trainwreck. Are we talking literal rats here? Actual, plague-ridden rodents that have somehow decided your balls are prime real estate? Because if that’s the case, I need to know what level of horror movie your life has spiraled into. Were you asleep one night, blissfully unaware, only to wake up to the sensation of tiny claws scrabbling around down there? Or worse—did you notice them gradually? A little itch here, a faint scurrying there, until you finally had to face the reality that your most sensitive body part is now a rodent infestation site?

The logistics of this are honestly horrifying. Are they burrowed into the skin, digging tunnels through the tissue like demented moles? Or are they just… there, squirming inside the sack, tangled together in some disgusting ball of tails and teeth, gnawing at God knows what? I don’t even want to imagine the damage they’re causing. Are there sores? Open wounds? Are you walking around with tiny scratches and bite marks, leaking pus and blood as they continue their work like tiny construction workers in hell? And the SMELL—my god, I can’t even begin to fathom what kind of festering stench must be radiating from you at this point. Rats aren’t exactly clean creatures, and if they’re living in your body, there’s no way this isn’t a full-blown health crisis.

And then there’s the sheer audacity of the situation. What kind of life choices lead to this? Did you stumble into some cursed sewer or take a nap in a garbage pile? Did you anger some malevolent force of nature that decided to curse you in the worst possible way? Or is this some freak, once-in-a-million years biological anomaly where rats, for some ungodly reason, decided to colonize your groin? Whatever the cause, I can’t imagine the day-to-day horror of living like this. Can you feel them moving? Do they fight each other? Are they nesting, breeding, multiplying? The idea of little rats scampering around inside my most vulnerable body part makes me want to throw up and crawl into a deep, dark hole for the rest of eternity.

You need to see a doctor IMMEDIATELY. No, scratch that—you need an entire medical team. This isn’t something you can handle on your own. You can’t just shrug this off or hope it’ll go away. This is the kind of thing that requires surgeons, infectious

WH IM LAUFHONF SO HARD AT THIS

https://i.imgflip.com/9bj1mx.gif

This is my bonus technique, the grapefruit. You want to make sure you get the ruby red—sweeter is easier. If you're allergic to grapefruit, you can always use a large navel orange. Make sure that the grapefruit is at room temperature, put it in warm water, do not want to microwave it; do not boil it. You'll need to roll it; the juicier, the better. Then you’re going to find the navel: Once you do that, you’re going to place it on the plate and the navels on the outside. You will take a knife, and cut one side of the navel off. You’re going to take it to the other side and do the same thing. You should have a grapefruit that has two sides missing, just like this.

Then you’re going to put a hole in the middle of the grapefruit approximately the size of your man’s p**is; do not make it too big, do not make it too tight, just approximate. You’re going to take the knife midway down and make sure it goes all the way through. You’re gonna make a nice hole in the middle of the grapefruit.

If you make it too big, that’s okay, because you can always squeeze your hands like the muscles of your va**na... If you make it too tight, all you have to do is take your finger and push the flesh back; it’s just grapefruit. Now when you grapefruit your man, he has to be blindfolded... So you're gonna start sucking his dick, just like you said you were going to do. Once he's nice and erect, you’re going to twist up and down his shaft and suck the head at the same time with the grapefruit. Now ladies, remember grapefruit is also a fat burner, so you're actually losing weight while you’re sucking his dick.

Once you’re doing this technique, it feels amazing to him and he still has no idea what you’re doing. Now take the blindfold off. He is going to look at you like, "What the hell are you doing?" But he’ll never say stop, or what he is going to be thinking is, "I could have been f**king a grapefruit all these years." And that’s the grapefruit technique.

Great now ask her about her car’s extended warranty