The thing is, ever since I was 7 to 8 years old, I just began feeling sad and I hated myself for a really long time and I still do.
The thing is, for my whole life I argued with my mother and all she ever does is yell at me for small mistakes when I'm still trying to find my place in the world. Everytime she yelled the only thing I could do is have the same reactions as a scared animal, fight back, try to run, and protect myself. I still manage to stand up for myself sometimes. And I'm getting better at it.
It also happens against my stepdad except I try not to intervene since it usually takes a more violent turn.
I don't always feel like my family's care for me is genuine.
I'm too afraid to talk to my own parents about how I actually feel because all they do is go like "oh shut the hell up no you don't" or they either just crudely mock me and they rarely listen. And when I used to go to therapy, my parents asked why I never told my therapist the truth. And I never told them (I mean I tried but they didn't listen) and it's because a one to one conversation with someone who isn't my friend just reminds me of arguing with my parents. My parents also try to gaslight me into forgetting something happened when that doesn't work.
My parents also only focus on negative things whenever I try my best.
I'm only trying my best and yet that isn't good enough for them.
I've tried to run away several times but I always got caught.
It's very rare I actually genuinely feel actual not fake joy around my family.
This just causes me to bottle up my emotions and release them when the timing is the worst.
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